Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Cool, the disturbing, and the vulgar of season five's finale of True Blood

Ever wonder how the oldest vampire in the world would die and what he'd say? Russell Edgington to Eric "Well, f*ck." Edgington was in the episode for less than five minutes. Like that joins some kind of Kate Beckinsale quota of flashing tit before title. I want to borrow a quote from Lafayette...
Kind of anticlimactic to kill the oldest vampire in the world like that, don't you think? However, "anticlimactic" does not describe Sunday's episode of True Blood. It was by far, the most satisfying episode of the season. I think it could have stood by itself, and HBO could have just canceled all the others. For one, this episode had a HUGE body count. It reminded me of "Body Count" by Ice-T.

The Cool Stuff:
Eric killed Russell Edgington after an entire field of fairies pooling their magic couldn't even make him pause in his monologue. You know it's bad when all the power you and your allies can muster won't stifle a monologue. But just like in the Incredibles, Russell got caught monologuing and Eric squished him.

Eric and Sookie were like Batman and Catwoman teaming up to face the bad guy. 
Salome got snuffed. She drank up the Jesus juice, only Bill spiked it with silver. How could you not see that one coming? And it wasn't the Jesus/Lilith juice anyway. Maybe it was just Kool-Aid.

Tons of people died. HBO cleared house AND it's about damned time. Jason Stackhouse took out like ten vamps. Eric killed ten. Tara killed about five. Eric's sister killed about ten. And in True Blood, when vamps die, they explode like water balloons filled with food coloring.
Jason Stackhouse as vamp slaying commando had me at "Fang banger!"
Tara French-kissed Pam. Serious vamp on vamp, interracial, face sucking goin' on. *Throws confetti. Best line from Jessica, "I KNEW IT!" Yes you did, honey. Yes you did. But so did we. *yawn
You would never guess that Pam was a former hooker by the way she dresses.
Bill became a naked vampire god. It isn't True Blood unless you are drenched in blood and running around naked. And his fangs were larger than Eric's. Yeah, you read that right. Vampires are size queens too.
Bill's fangs are bigger than Eric's. Sookie can verify that. She's been with both.
Alcide killed the deranged wolf-pack master and got twice as many lines in one episode as he's had all season. However, he didn't kill the wolf pack master shirtless. I take away one point for this short-sightedness on HBO's part.
Roz is killed by Sam expanding in her head. That's the only thing about this entire season of shapeshifters that paid off.

The Disturbing Stuff:
Sam Merlott doing reconnaissance as a house fly when he wasn't nude. It was ten minutes too long, which is probably precisely the amount of time they could have spent cutting all that out entirely. I guess they needed to wrap up the Emma storyline, not that there even was one to begin with.

Andy Belflour's pregnant fairy woman gave birth to four kids. Only birth sounds a lot like orgasms, there's lots of light emanating from "down there" and it apparently requires a lot of salt as she downed an entire container of Morton's. I guess fairies don't have to worry about their sodium levels.

My favorite lines from the birthing scene:

"My light broke."
"Who knew watching an alien giving birth could be so comforting?"
"Andy Belflour, you're a dick."

"I only slept with her twice in the time I've been dating you." At least
he's honest, ladies. Oh infidelity thou art a cruel mistress,
especially when the other woman is a fairy.

The Vulgar Stuff:

Jason and Eric hit it off like schoolhouse buddies.  Here's their exchange (NOTE that it's less effective unless you visualize Jason's lines said in a thick southern accent):

Jason: Fanger

Eric: Blood Bag

Jason: Leach

Eric: Breather

Jason: Dead F*ck

Eric: Meat sack.

Jason: "If I want to be a fool, I will be a fool. That's my God-given right as an American."

Ain't that the truth. Oh True Blood, I shall miss your craptasticness. Writers of the world who receive rejection after rejection, take heart from True Blood. Know that you are rejected because your writing is NOT THIS GOOD. Long live Sookie Stackhouse!

Have a great Tuesday. Ciao.


  1. I have no idea what any of that meant, but I suppose now I can watch the next season and it won't really matter because most everyone from previous seasons will be dead. Not that I'll bother watching it next season either.

  2. Thanks for the update. Netflix quit carrying it and I have no HBO so I was way behind!

  3. Mike, I'm not a fan of most of the stuff you watch, but your commentary is so entertaining that I don't need to watch.

  4. We're about 3-4 episodes behind the finale, Michael. Good to hear the finale had a little punch to it. Honestly was beginning to think the series was hopelessly watered down. Too many characters, too many subplots, etc.

    Part of my trouble is I've read all of the books, and the TV series has pretty well diverged from the source material in whole. For the first few seasons it was the occasional, nice divergence--basically, enough 'different' to keep me interested in both--but lately the liberties taken really haven't enhanced the show at all.

    Long way of saying I think the show needs to get back embracing the charms of the books.

  5. I kind of have to agree with J.L. Why bother to watch it when what you have to say about it so much more entertaining.

  6. The finale was my favorite episode of the season. I loved it when Jason says, "That train has already sailed." HA! Classic Jason.

  7. What JL and Andrew said. I have no idea what you're talking about, but I like the way you say it. :D

  8. Michael,

    I have to agree with JL.... Who needs to watch these shows, when we have you to do such lavish commentaries.

  9. So, should I hunt down the DVD for this season and catch up, or should I just let this series go? (No HBO anymore, but I'm sure I can get ahold of the DVD when it comes out if it's worth the trouble.)

  10. I also agree with J.L. I'm sure your posts are a dozen times more entertaining than actually watching the show would be.

  11. Your account was hilarious. That show is no match for you. Thanks for making me laugh.

  12. I'm not allowed to watch True Blood but what my parents don't know won't kill them.

    It's a very tacky show, not unlike Twilight. It makes me wonder about people sometimes, if a show as ridiculous as this can be so popular. Then again, it has a sort of kinky allure I can't get anough of. Also, seeing naked boys is never a bad thing. Some of them have cute butts. Hehe.

    Anyway, the finale was very weird and I found myself puzzled by many of the tropes and themes of the plot. I'm pretty sure the writers are just coming to work hungover and writing whatever damn well comes to mind without thought.

    Only in America. LOL.

  13. You make this show sound very intriguing! :)

  14. You haven't convinced me on this show. It just sounds... (can't say it)

  15. " Writers of the world who receive rejection after rejection, take heart from True Blood. Know that you are rejected because your writing is NOT THIS GOOD"