Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Twitterpation Nation--Twitter Part Two

Here you can see the two frontal lobes I'm
speaking of as they hypnotize America and
bolster her impressive thinking skills.
Don't you wish the hemispheres of your
brain were as tan and symmetrical?
I think I have frontal lobe envy.
Sn00ki is the kind of smart that America appreciates.

She knows nothing of Thoreau, organic chemistry, math, physics, or life as a pale person, but she has charisma.  And because of that, she's got money...lots of it. And in America's eye, money equals brains. She's a genius? Forget that Einstein person...what the hell did he know?  Oh and you won a frickin' Nobel prize...pfft...we want Sn00ki and will pay her more to speak to us (reference Rutgers University).

She didn't write her book. Who cares? It was a bestseller. Someone wrote it and slapped her poof on the cover. So I turned my nitwit mind that was given to me to understand such things as Lagrangian calculus to twitter to see if I could see how her large frontal lobes were somehow a force equal to the swarm of human locusts in colonizing America's "Shores" (C whut I did thar?)

Why did I pick Sn00ki? Because she's better than twitter! That's right...she is.  And I'm saying knowing full well that no one with a substantial twitter following greater than Sn00ki shall ever read these words. 

Lesson One:
Snooki isn't just tweeting about shows she is going to be on. She also tweets about her everyday life, which is obviously more interesting than yours.

Lesson Two:

She tweets about her poof half the time. It's so firmly entrenched in her character that it has a frickin' life of its own. If Snooki's poof had written a book and it came down to you and the poof...believe me...the agent would take that poof and you'd get the rejection letter.

Lesson Three:
Do you note the carefully disguised transition used in this tweet from talking about Lady Gaga whom the whole world is interested in to nudging you to watch her on the red carpet?  It's so clever and funny, I'm beside myself that I could see through this.

Lesson Four:
She shows love to her Followers. "Tweedos"? Dr. Michio Kaku might ask.  I would have to stammer out an answer to the Carl Sagan of our generation.  It would go something like this, "No sir, it is not a quantum particle. It is an affectionate nickname and has more power than you babbling about math. No one cares about science sir." So come up with a nickname..."muffycakes" isn't taken. Neither is "tweekins".

Lesson Five:

She makes shout outs to her pals and compliments them. I've been on twitter for a few weeks now and have never gotten a shout out from my closest e-buddies on TWITTER, Steph Schmidt, Rogue Mutt, and Misha.  And not once has any of them complimented my firm, ample breasts! I'm so mortified.

So I do any of these things? Nope. Hence my following of like...80. But I know the way, and I point it out for you so that you too can tweedazzle my foshizzle. Oh and in case you thought you were tweeting correctly, I offer up that the Bronx Zoo cobra got 75,000 followers in two days on its twitter and it doesn't even have arms, legs, or fingers to tweet with. My suggestion...set up twitter accounts for your make believe characters (the more outrageous...the better). Just look at the Dos Equis man.  His tweets include such wisdom as "He swam the Arctic Circle. He did the backstroke so he wouldn't get his cigar wet." Mutt, you seriously should tweet as the Scarlett Knight...I'm tellin' ya.


  1. OK, the next time I do a "Follow Friday" thingy I'll put your name in there.

    It's funny you should mention tweeting as someone else. The first few paragraphs or so of this chapter talk about someone doing that:

  2. I was joking Mutt. I really don't want you to comment on my man breasts. However, if you want, I'll give you a shout out stating how wonderful your Buddha belly is.

  3. Um, WTF is a poof?? It means something different in England...

  4. It's the dome-like construction of hair on Sn00ki's head.

  5. I learned more about Snooki than I ever thought I wanted to know. And I can't erase it from my mind, can I? How does Snooki do that?

  6. Are you suggesting that Sn00ki is a make believe character? Is she the orange teletubbie? Is she post-teletubbie generation? Is this what the world has come to, post-teletubbies? The teletubbies also had poofs (thank you for clarifying in the comments section - I would have had to google it) - does this support my thesis that they (or at least the orange one) are(is) related to Sn00ki?

    Why am I so obsessed with teletubbies? Can I make a Twitter account for them?

  7. I don't get these characters that become icons in the public mind. Snooki particularly. I guess I am showing my age. I think she is annoying. Wish Snooki would play hookey and go away.

  8. "Orange Teletubbie' lmao ... I have to admit, her Tweets are pretty epic.

    Not falling behind on A-Z, btw. :0) I was just saving up for today's special post: J.K. Rowling! (I'm such a fanboy, but that's OK. Admitting you have problem is the first step, right?)

  9. I remember Alisa Milano had to apolize to Snooky for saying that Italians are not like Snooky, just to save herself from getting into trouble with the media.
    It is true, right now luck is on her side, otherwise where would Snooky be in comparision to Alisa Milano.

  10. I almost X-ed out of this when I saw Snooki-s picture - but I'm glad I didn't - loved your commentary on her.

    PS - read your comment on my blog today - I'm still LOL-ing. :)

  11. How surreal. I have no idea how to properly use twitter. And I have no idea who Snooki is, or why she spells her name with numbers.

  12. I'm going to complain to Charity that you're being mean to me.

  13. Michael, thanks for the laugh. I'm aware this post wasn't supposed to be funny, it's actually a glimpse into what this sad country values.

    Last week on the all-news radio station here in NYC, they mentioned snooki getting paid more than Ms. Morrison. You must understand snooki's lecture included major topics like her hair!

    Being that you mentioned Carl Sagan, I remember an interview with him where he stated how worried he was that a visiting alien race would see American television, then turn around and leave thinking the stupid programs represent the average human. I think Alf was the top show then.

  14. I've really never gotten the whole snooki things. I just don't understand why people think she is so interesting. I did consider following the snake, though. I'm sure a snake would have lots of interesting things to share with the world. It made it back home before I got the chance. :(


    This was my fave part:

    "But I know the way, and I point it out for you so that you too can tweedazzle my foshizzle. Oh and in case you thought you were tweeting correctly, I offer up that the Bronx Zoo cobra got 75,000 followers in two days on its twitter and it doesn't even have arms, legs, or fingers to tweet with."


  16. Charlie: I remember Alf and I miss Carl Sagan.

    Oh Alyson /sigh <3

    Trisha: hehe I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for visiting my blog :)

  17. HEHE
    Loved this post.

    Can I give a shout out to your firm breasts now, Michael??

    Very savvy observations. Hmm. I need to think on this.

  18. I don't have cable so I've never watched the Jersey Shore show, but read about Snooki on blogs and such. I'm glad I don't have cable but making a twitter acvcount on a make belioeve character sounds like alot of fun!

    Thanks glad I stopped by.