Breaking Dawn concept art looks really damn cool

Okay, I haven't seen Breaking Dawn Part 2 yet in the theater. But it is on my "to do" list along with "Lincoln." I was perusing io9 (one of my favorite websites) and came across this concept art. Those of you who follow and read my blog regularly already know that I like to dabble with art and that I own some art books. So naturally, I clicked on the concept art for the movie, and it looks pretty damn cool.

I tried to read the original "Twilight" book in 2008. I went to the book store across the street and picked up a copy, and I remember really looking forward to it because it had to be an excellent book if so many people loved it. I remember feeling disappointed by it, and I stopped about a third of the way through. But I did go and see the first two movies. One of the things that I liked about Meyer's vampires are their strange powers. I hadn't seen that in other vampire books (aside from what I consider to be normal vampire powers). You do get some of that in Anita Blake but it's more or less reserved for ancient vampires. In Meyer's books, the vampires are more like super heroes, and I think that's just really cool.

My friend went to Twilight with his wife. He tweeted: @MichaelOffutt OMG. I paid for the whole seat #breakingdawn2 but only used the edge!

So have you seen Breaking Dawn 2? What do you think of this concept art? Did you like the way Meyer's vampires have super powers?

I love that I live in the golden age of trash fiction

The website io9 recently did an article on the golden age of trash culture, and I couldn't agree more. You can read the whole article HERE. In the TL;DR version, basically "there is more corporate-funded trash being unleashed on the public than ever before... and meanwhile, there's a huge wave of new-media trash coming as well."

Isn't it glorious?

All the movie adaptation of this book needs is to cast
Alex Pettyfer as the guy. That's it. Ka-Ching. Google
Alex Pettyfer and you'll see what I'm talking about.

With free books and or 99 cent offerings on kindle, we have access to wafer-thin characters in just about every paranormal situation you could shake a stake at. The rise of erotica with such offerings as Fifty Shades of Gray and the subsequent sequels are plain awesome. Plus you can read smutty books on the kindle in the subway or on the train because no one can see what you're reading so you don't have to be embarrassed by the fact that you're secretly into whips and chains or possess bizarre sex fetishes.

On television insanity rules. Basically, nothing is too insane or too out there. Really, writing has broken through a boundary where you can literally string together a story from four random dice rolls (roll twice in the first section) and it seems to work. Example:

1 A guy who gets naked a lot
2 A girl who gets naked a lot
3 A vampire who gets naked a lot
4 A werewolf who gets naked a lot
5 An alien from the planet Shmieldorf who gets naked a lot
6 A ghost who gets naked a lot

1 Don't have sex but falls in tortured love
2 Can manipulate fire but is a cheerleader
3 Can read minds but feels guilty about that
4 Can teleport into a person's dreams and realizes they are actually dead in real life
5 Learns magic at a school for magical peeps
6 Drives a BMW hybrid while listening to Chicago love songs

1 Takes Newt Gingrich to a moon colony.
2 Saves the world from Goatzilla
3 Pimps minors out for sex
4 Finds a duck with super powers and prevents an alien invasion
5 Wins a game show in a post apocalyptic setting
6 Gets married.

Okay my rolls using my trusty 6-sided dice are: 3, 4, 4, 6
My new story plot is "A vampire who gets naked a lot and a werewolf who gets naked a lot can teleport into a person's dreams and realizes that they are actually dead in real life and then gets married."

I don't think these kinds of stories could have ever had a place in the 80's or the 90's because people would see through them. But now...bring it on baby. Just look at True Blood. I'm addicted to this show which has about as flimsy a writing as anything. In Sunday's episode, a guy talks to Bill Compton and gestures at a book. He says, "Do you know what this is?" Bill answers, "It's a Bible." But then goes on to say that it's not "THE Bible" but the "original testament"...you know...the vampire Bible and then they go on to say how vampires came first and were really god's children and how Adam and Eve came later and it just shows how humans were meant to feed vampires.

Brilliantly written dialogue? Alcide is awesome. This really is

the written conversation. Not kidding.

What did I think of that background? It was both brilliant and incredibly stupid trash and I loved it. The mire of bullshit that flows from writers these days is awesome. In our trashy culture...pure bullshit reigns. You can explain anything away in your plot--plausible no longer matters, just make it up. For television and movies, you don't even need to script it. This kind of thinking can be done on the fly as long as it sounds clever. And being random is now king.

Random True Blood baby eater character that got more lines 
than Alcide 

Random characters (like those in the above picture) are key to trashy stories. Have you seen Jersey Shore? Random is that cast's bread and butter. That and tanning, big bewbs, and tequila.

From the article, io9 points out that Michael Bay is one of the greatest film makers alive. Have you seen a Michael Bay film? All you need are explosions. That's it. Check out one of the greatest moments in last night's True Blood episode. Jessica (the red-head) gave Steve (a former religious pastor) a "Fang Boner" by describing Jason Stackhouse's butt and cock to him and offering to sell him for $20,000.00 since she technically has the rights to Jason's body. How is this at all great television? I have no idea, but I'm glued to the screen like millions of other watchers in America every Sunday with our bowls of Cheetos and our guts hanging out over our belts muttering, "damn...this show is GOOOOOODDDD. Mmmmhmmm."

So writers...WRITE MORE TRASH! WE NEEDSSES IT. There clearly isn't enough. Twilight, as an example, is getting rebooted by Lion's Gate because they don't want to lose their cash cow. Yep, they are going to cast a whole new group of people right after Breaking Dawn, Part Two shatters records this fall.

I can't wait. I hope they get a better looking Edward. #JustSayin

Can you name all the vampires?

Have a great Thursday.

The Copycats Of Fiction Have No Shame And Make Millions

When Terry Brooks published The Sword of Shannara, I was one of the first kids to dive straight into it.  And even at that early age (I was in junior high school at the time) I remember being shocked at how much it followed Tolkien's Lord of the Rings point-by-point. In LOTR you had the nine ringwraiths...in Brooks you had the nine skullbearers, in LOTR you had Sauron, in Brooks you had the Warlock Lord, and it goes on and on.  The King of the Silver River is Elrond, the Hall of Kings is Moria complete with monster at the gate, and the druids are simply the Istari wizards.  The Druids Keep is Isengard and Allanon is Gandalf, etc.  You even have two hobbits...only they aren't called hobbits but they are from Shady Vale...a place a lot like Hobbiton. And their names are Flint and Shea instead of Frodo and Sam.  Anyway...this is a well documented thing...the fact that a New York Times bestselling author blatantly stole from the grandfather of all epic fantasy and in the end...no one gave a shit.  And to Brooks' credit, it didn't stop me from reading his books. I was hungry for fantasy at the time so I bought all the Shannara books as they came out and they steadily got better and better (and more original).  I thought Elfstones of Shannara was awesome so yeah...he forged himself a great writing career. However, just out of the gate (so to speak) I thought things were so shameless with his first book that I would have been downright embarrassed had anyone called me on it.

Anyway, this is happening again in a book I'm reading.  What book you ask?  It's Amanda Hocking's Trylle trilogy and the first book is called Switched. Don't get me wrong...Amanda is a wonderful writer.  I enjoy her prose but the woman doesn't have a story. No, she has Stephanie Meyer's story.  Things started smacking me over the head about Chapter Six.  Let me see if you can pick what book she is following point-by-point as I lay them out for you.

These two books are essentially the same story. Only names have
been changed.  

We are introduced to the female protagonist named Wendy.  She considers herself unattractive, her hair is awful, and she has no friends.  She's the new girl in a high school in a small town and awkward as hell.  One day, a gorgeous boy starts staring at her and continues to do so until it makes her so uncomfortable she can't stand it.  When she asks him about it...he is evasive...won't give her a straight answer.  Only later on does she discover that he's a Trylle...the word for troll...and that he has essentially super powers.  And he's very long-lived.  Oh and he visits her in her bedroom at night...does this scene sound familiar?

One night outside her home, her life is threatened.  Not with a careening car but setup almost the same.  Two people attack her and "Finn" the hot dude saves her all by himself (pushing the bad people away). Then he takes her to his home which is absolutely gorgeous to meet his family of other trolls who are Gucci and Prada wearing, sushi-eating, upper class snobs.  I mean super rich. Like millionaire rich (high society). And it's secluded in the woods (think evergreen forests) with a view of the Mississippi River... Instead of a black Volvo we have a black Porsche.  She also finds out that there's something inherent in her that makes Finn stare at her. He can smell her.  It's her hair (not blood) and it's irresistible to other Trylle.

That's all the farther I've gotten...but does that sound familiar to you?  Does that point-by-point sound like a certain highly successful New York Times bestseller?

I know that some of you writers out there always say, "There are no original ideas." But COME ON! for Pete's sake!?

I mean, is there any shame to this?  Here...let me give you an example of what I mean...

Hey author friends! Here's my AMAZING plot for my story...OMG...IT'S SO GOOD AND I WILL MAKE MILLIONS. I even have cover art for it already made...check it out:

Dude from a future where mankind is pushed to extinction by machines escapes through a portal into the past.  He's on a mission to save a woman targeted by the machines of the future.  He has to stop a killer robot only, along the way, he falls in love with the woman and they have sex and she gets pregnant.  Here's the hitch...her baby will someday be this guy's father.

Holy shit!  Isn't that great?!  I iz so smart this is sure to be a bestseller and you all will be jealous while I'm making millions.

Anyway...what do you guys think? Amanda's books are huge bestsellers (maybe not as big as Twilight) but they've made her rich.  Terry Brooks is a rich fat cat too and he blatantly copied Tolkien.  I'm wondering why someone isn't blatantly copying J.K. Rowling.  I mean you could do it and self-pub and probably catch a portion of the same audience that J.K. has.  Even at 1% that's 4 million people that are going to buy your books.  How would you like to sell 4 million books?

Oh ummm...here's my story...there's this paranormal school that teaches wizards ghosts, vamps, werewolf kids how to properly use their powers.  Each one has a wand fetish like a silver bullet or locket that they channel their magic through.  There are professors in the school.  One paranormal boy named Charles Hatter is the only kid that survived when dark wizards ghosts, vamps, and werewolves led by Voldemort a real powerful dude attacked the family and left a mark on his forehead eyes (his eyes have flickering lightning bolts in the irises).

And to any of you that would say "You can get sued for this kind of copycat behavior"...I don't think that you can. Maybe Mr. Pagel can weigh in on this because he's a lawyer. But I'm pretty sure that ideas cannot be copyrighted...meaning a general idea...like a plot.

Anyway...authors that do this have no shame.  I'm actually kind of disgusted.  But they are richer than me and have huge publishing contracts so does what I think really matter? Nope.

How the hell did publishing get to be so terrible? Is it money? Are people so hard up to make a buck that they clone what other writers come up with and pass it off as their own story?  Does it ever occur to people that if they are just blatantly going to steal a novel point-for-point, chapter-by-chapter and just change names and setting that...I dunno...maybe the world doesn't need another book like this?  I guess I'm old school.  Writing isn't just about writing for me. It's storytelling. And please don't tell me a story I've already heard. I don't want to read George R.R. Martin's story as told by John Doe with all the names changed and have to put up with all the praise you get lauded because the idiots out there who read books aren't well read enough to know that a story is a ripoff.

Understanding Men To Write Your Fiction

I'm not a Psychologist, but I think I understand why men do many of the things that they do.  And so I'm going to tell you.  Who knows...maybe what I say here will help you in portraying them in your fiction.  Now, this post is a generalization and there will of course be specifics that I'm sure I'll get nailed on.  Men (like women) are simply too complex to talk about here. That is the nature of the human brain.  Anyway, here's what I've noticed...take it with a grain of salt if you want...I don't care if you think I'm a flake.  I'm a guy and I think I understand other guys.  So here it is...my theory of men.

I think men have an innate desire to be somebody. All the choices that they make in our society boil down to this testosterone-driven primal urge.

I think men go into politics not to fix a problem but again to be somebody--an odd reason to want a job, right?  Fixing a problem is only a consequence of them holding office...something they must deal with that is a distraction of being somebody.

I think men play video games to win. Winning makes you instantly a somebody.  Men really like to win.  And they like watching other people win because birds of a feather flock together. Winners watch winners.

I think men play games period to win.  If it's a social game like Dungeons & Dragons where winning is not obvious...then they are playing to be the best one at the table and to outdo everyone else.

I think men choose their love partners because their partner makes them feel like they are somebody. The implications of this are pretty wide.  What I'm saying is that they don't care so much WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE so much as they care that other people are jealous that they own you.  They just have to get this feeling...it doesn't necessarily mean that it needs to be true. It just needs to exist in their minds. And if there's ever a time when people don't want you, when you are an undesirable commodity for whatever reason, then attraction will fade even if things on a personal level are going great.

I think that men cheat because the person with whom they are cheating makes them feel like they are a somebody more so than the person with whom they are currently in a relationship.

I think that men dominate religions because religion is an instant platform by which to be somebody and they love being in that position.

I think that men go through a mid-life crisis when they feel that they are becoming invisible and they have this perception in their mind that they were somebody to begin with...even if they never were. All that matters is what they think.  The mid-life crisis is just a way to try and recapture that feeling that they were, at one time, relevant.

I think that one reason why Twilight is so successful is because Stephenie Meyer subconsciously KNEW THIS about men. Edward loves Bella for who she is and it doesn't matter that she's important to anyone else.  The real romance is that "Bella" needs no other validation from any of Edward's peers and he loves her all the same.  I think that this is entirely fiction because it isn't the way men think...hence...why it's uber romantic.  Women may not quite put it so bluntly...they may not realize that what I'm saying is going on...but as others point out...I can be very blunt.

And it's also why Twilight fails with a male audience.  Men want to be somebody.  They don't want to read about a woman that is the somebody.  They want the man TO BE THE ONE that is a somebody. Twilight removes the nuts from the men...so yeah...it fails with a male audience.

And it's why George R.R. Martin succeeds with a male audience.  All of his men are important and they are in a power struggle to prove who is the most important.  It's awash in testosterone and every man who reads it cannot get enough.

People talk about boys not reading.  I think that boys DO read and want to read.  I think that men read and want to read.  But if you want to appeal to men, you're book has GOT TO make the man live the fiction of BEING SOMEBODY important.  J.K. Rowling did it with Harry Potter AND managed to also appeal to a huge female audience.  But make no mistake, Harry (the man) was the big somebody in the book.  Either this or the act of reading the book MAKES them a somebody. This is where the intellectual snobs come in, touting Ulysses by James Joyce or an original version of Don Quixote in Spanish because they read it and are somebody because of having done that.

So my advice is...if you are writing a story...and you are wondering if a man would do a certain act...to just pause.  Stop.  Ask yourself these questions:  By doing this, is the man getting an ego boost? Is he being somebody?  By screwing a girl in the backseat of a car will his friends high-five him?  By dealing drugs does he get money so that he can buy a low-rider all tricked out with bling that his other friends will drool over?  By cheating on his spouse, is the woman (or man) that he is with making him feel better at the moment than he feels when he is with his partner?  If he chooses to ignore the partner at home and play a video game...is the video game making him feel like he is somebody because he's winning and beating things down and destroying things?  If a man turns down money offered from a friend who just wants to help...is he doing so because accepting the gift makes him into a nobody?  Being a nobody...being mediocre...that sucks.  And if you want men to like your fiction, they don't want to feel mediocre.

That's just my two cents.

EDIT: I received a very interesting question from fellow blogger Ciara Knight. She asked why the Hunger Games was so successful given a female protagonist.  I wanted to answer that here because it's a great question and I wanted to clarify something. Female protagonists are perfectly acceptable and men will read them (I know I do). But to resonate, the theme of the book and the protag need to be winners. The Hunger Games is about winning and the stakes are very high if you lose. This makes it all the better. Men like stories of winning, challenges, more winning...pure winning.  Look at Twilight again (as an example).  What does Bella win? A boyfriend? That's not guy material. But ask yourself what does Katniss win and what does she stand to lose by not winning? It's the very essence of being somebody.

The Secret is the McDonald's Cheeseburger

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT an industry professional. I am not an agent nor a publisher. I'm some dude with a middle-class salary that sits around and throws his opinions out to the world on a blog. Some of them, like this one, will be controversial.  I read A LOT into books, into what people say, and into what people do not say (that I think is the most interesting).  So read my latest interpretation of what I'm saying about the Big Six publishing industry below knowing that I'm just some guy with an opinion and every person has them.  I just happen to write them down.  And thanks for the shoutout at The Quintessential Query Experiment :)

Yesterday I came across a post written by fellow writer and blogger L.G. Smith.  She attended a workshop held by Sara Megibow, an agent for Nelson Literary Agency, and what was talked about just confirmed what I've been saying all along.  Here...I'm going to cut and paste it:

"Not knowing your genre and NOT writing to a formula. Sara (who represents highly commercial fiction) needs to be able to immediately identify within the first thirty pages which genre the submission falls under. Each genre has a formula or certain expectations that must be met. For example, a Young Adult novel can only be told from the perspective of someone between the ages of fourteen and nineteen, must be a coming of age story, and cannot ever show the point-of-view of an adult. Adhering to word count standards is also part of following the formula. Most adult novels should come in around 100K, while Young Adult should be between 65K-85K. Veering from these standards will result in a rejection, because she isn't looking for the exception to the rule."

So there you have it.  Getting published traditionally by the Big Six means you are writing to a formula (not my words but an authentic agent that has the cahones to come out and say it). It's why all the books that are coming out all sound the same. Stop kidding yourself if you have an agent and write YA and think that your work is not formulaic.  For those of you that desire to have the literary agent, fame, fortune, and snobbery rights to look down on those who are not represented, here is your toolbox:

• White-wash your story. Blacks, gays, lesbians, hispanics can only be put into the book if they die or are there to come in second-place to the white people.
• Female point-of-view, first-person, present-tense. Look at the Hunger Games for a really good example of this. 
• Love triangle. You gotta have two hot guys and they gotta really want to bone your protagonist. But the actual boning can never happen.
• Powers: vampires, mermaids, x-men, angels, demons, undead, magic, and if all else fails, go for the autistic savant that melts brains when he counts toothpicks.  People will be like OMG...that's so original!
• There must be tension between the guys to the point that the girl is always throwing up her hands saying, "Enough!"
• A setting.  If you don't want to make one up roll the dice on the following chart (grab a six-sided die):

1. Future apocalyptic. The world has gone to shit for one of the following reasons: a) overpopulation b) natural disaster c) global warming d) nuclear fallout e) a Jerry Springer virus made all the people in the world into white trash and they killed each other over child support.
2. Underwater.  People live underwater because living on land is so 2008.  And being underwater means everyone has a swimmer's body.
3. Sky.  People live in the sky because living on land is so 2007.
4. Underground. People live under the ground because Sn00ki got a disease called tanmonsteritis from UV rays and they turned her into a monster that started eating people by the truckload but she cannot go underground because UV rays now power her life force.
5. Space.  People live in space because the planet is overcrowded and space is where no one can hear you scream (blatantly stolen from Alien--like that matters since ideas from the eighties are getting recycled anyway).
6. Modern high school.  This only works if there are bullies.  Bullying is so 2010. The bully should also be a stupid jock because there are no smart jocks and if they were smart they wouldn't be bullies.

I have to say that knowing this and being validated by hearing it from an agent even though I suspected it to be true...puts a slightly bad taste in my mouth.  This brings up a matter of respect.  As authors, we tend to look up to the writers who are Big Six published.  We put them on a pedestal.  Is this all misplaced when we realize that the reason they got picked up and published in 2011 is because they followed a formula...whether it be accidental or intentional?  Here's an analogy for you.

The McDonald's Cheeseburger is made the same no matter where you go.
It's one of their most successful formulas and is a constant seller. Just like
in writing, you can change it up a bit. Hold the mustard, no pickles, no ketchup.
But all-in-all it remains the same.  It's kinda like Dystopian YA fiction, right?

I don't know about you, but I don't respect the McDonald's cheeseburger. It tastes the same no matter what city I happen to be in.  Even though I occasionally eat them, I'd rather have a bacon, garlic burger covered in sauteed mushrooms and made from prime meat that I can get at a greasy spoon any day.  But no one can dispute the selling power of McDonald's, right?  Do you aspire to be McDonald's or do you aspire to be the chef that makes an individual burger that is unforgettable? And if so, how do you get the world to know about it when McDonald's has a vested interest in keeping your unique creation unknown to protect their business model?

Captain America GQ 2011

Dear ladies that read my blog (and any men that feel comfortable commenting on this post), I have one simple question for you.

If a car was hurtling toward you in the parking lot that would result in your inescapable death, would you prefer to be saved by Edward Cullen played by Robert Pattinson in the Twilight movies (adaptation of the Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer) or by this man...

Chris Evans...

Who plays the stars and stripes Captain America superhero from the Marvel Comics of the same name. Here are the photographs from Cap's photo spread taken by famed photographer Mario Testino.

Here's the newest movie trailer that hit June 22nd for your Monday pleasure :) Remember, the movie comes out July 22nd, 2011. Go Red, White, and Blue!