Friday, April 8, 2011

The Secret Of The Ninja Revealed!

Aye grasshopper. If you are reading these words right now, you are truly blessed, for you have come to the place where I, Shidoshi Offutt, shall pass on the incredible knowledge I have gathered of the secret lore of the ninja!
DISCLAIMER: Before beginning this or any other exercise program, consult your physician to make sure you are healthy enough to participate.
Do not be fooled. This is one ninja using his powers to
appear as many.
For many of these exercises, you will need a partner. A large stuffed animal (given back to you by an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend) works wonderfully. You could even dress up a stuffed animal by pinning a rejection letter to the front. Anything, really to get you inspired.  But please, do not use real life human beings.  The art of the ninja is the mastery of death! And because you're not O.J., killing someone just might land you in prison :( and it's hard to write in prison my colleagues.  Oh and remember, time is of the essence. Otherwise, you may miss your FaceBook and Twitter updates. Keep in mind that clothing should be loose and non-binding (guys go commando at your own peril).
For the first 45 seconds, deep breathing exercises and stretches. This will involve bending down and picking up your cell phone. You drop it 100 times a day anyhow, so we aren’t breaking any new ground just yet.
Get your breath, and stand at the side of the bed. Jump as hard as you can backwards, and kick your feet up at an imaginary target at eye level. Backwards is key here, otherwise, you will end up with a bleeding face and possibly a broken leg. For a change of pace, replace the bed with a futon, with or without a mattress.
Ninja speed reflexes are legendary. For one minute and thirty seconds, drop a dollar bill out of your hand, and try to catch it before it hits the ground. To improve your reflexes, make it a $20 bill.
Ninja fingers can punch through just about anything. But to get there, you must build-up the strength in your fingers to such a degree that even Pai Mei from Kill Bill Volume 2 would be rendered speechless at a demonstration of your power!

Writers are ideal candidates for ninja school because of the incredible muscles you’ve built up in your fingers from years and years of writing stuff that sucks (just ask roguemutt). Take out some old manuscripts that you know are never going to get published, couple them with some rejection letters and thrust your fingers through ten pages at first, increasing to twenty pages overtime, and so on and so forth until you are able to ninja punch your way to the last page of your manuscript.
Ninjas are the masters of many incredible moves!

We are almost done, but you must master the art of the throwing star. I suggest that you begin by picking up a book that you absolutely think is terrible. Roguemutt again, can recommend several. Grab said book firmly at the binding and toss it at your practice dummy across the room until you can bean it in the head.
For the last exercise, practice jumping over a moving vehicle. For beginners, a neighbor’s kid on a tricycle is considered to be a moving vehicle. Advanced jumpers can move on up to Big Wheels, sorority girls on bicycles, and pizza delivery drivers. Remember to add a few feet of clearance because of the leet pizza car signs that strap to the top of the car.
Hee hee  <3 to all the ninjas out there. I dedicate this post to you, Dustin Townley, you real-life ninja you.

Till next week my friends, I leave you with my favorite song right now by Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina called "Stereo Love".


  1. I will master the use of throwing stars sensei LOL!

  2. Excellent, I'll begin my training right after I eat this donut (in the shadows).

  3. ALL those reflexes AND the dancing? Not too shabby! LOL

  4. Going off to practise my new Ninja skills right now!

  5. Hurm, is this a secret ninja school?

    BTW, the best video game for the Atari 7800 was Ninja Golf. It was exactly what it sounds like: you were a ninja on the golf course, kicking bad guy rears in between shots and then on the green would be the level boss.

    I'm still working on a big screen adaptation for that.

  6. This is awesome...where did I put that black t-shirt?

  7. Damn, this is an awesome post. Off to work on my moves right now!!

  8. That is one badass instructional image sempai! I wonder if they'll understand my need to run around dressed as a ninja in class today....

  9. Inspiring, but for me to buy in ninjas would need better costumes. Too frumpy.

  10. Oh. Mylanta. That was so funny. I especially like the MC Hammer ninja. Can't touch this, indeed!
    Edge of Your Seat Romance

  11. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am totally going to teach my son that shirt trick.

  12. I'll have to start developing my ninja skills!

  13. My finger strength has waned, though, since I began writing at the computer. I guess I'll have to go back to writing everything out long-hand, first. Time to get those writing callouses back!

  14. Fun post Michael!

    Have a great weekend! :D

  15. I especially love the mask lesson. It's a must-have for all ninjas-in-training. :D

  16. What a fun post! I'm kind of hypnotized by the dancing ninja.