Do You Have Toilet Paper For Your Manuscript? If No, Grab A Euphemism

The euphemism really is writer toilet paper. It cleans up a lot of foul stuff for us.  In a generation where people are bullied, bruised, and offended constantly, the euphemism just may be our salvation. Take for example the great American novel, Huckleberry Finn.  They're taking out that ugly word "nigger" and replacing it with "slave". Some call that censorship but maybe they just didn't get the memo that stated everyone needed to be coddled.  So what exactly is this long word and how exactly can it be used to comfort us into entitled bliss?  Well let's examine it with our critical, scholarly eye.

Euphemism (n)--the substitution of a mild, indirect, or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh, or blunt.

It originates from the Greek "euphemismos" or the  "use of a favorable word in place of an inauspicious one," from euphemizein  "speak with fair words," from eu-  "good" + pheme  "speaking," from phanai "speak". 

Please...I know you're speechless with admiration at my google-fu so I'll continue.

In ancient Greece, the practice of euphemisms arose from superstitious avoidance of words of ill-omen during religious ceremonies, or through the use of word substitutions such as Eumenides  "the Gracious Ones" for the Furies (divine ass-kickers).

No wonder the English seized upon the use of the euphemism with such gusto. And yes, I see the main difference in language between the Yanks and the Brits (aside from a gorgeous accent) is essentially, euphemisms.


My mom had a pearl necklace. So lovely as pictured here.

Have any of you ladies ever worn a pearl necklace?

But in this day and age where we rely upon China to supply us with everything, how do we create one without an Apple iPhone application?  I knew you'd want to know, so I wrote the four steps of euphemism creation (slightly less fantastic than Biblical creation but both have their place in the world of fiction). I totally stole these from the Chinese factory that makes them. Isn't it exciting? No more euphemisms with that "made in China" stamp on it. Ahem...the steps:
 
1) Identify the word or word combination that you find offensive and imagine it in context.  Here's my example: Hmmmm...I want to ask those people over there at that funeral who died but without using the word "death" because death is icky.

2) Think about the word. Know it. Feel it. Define it.  In this case, the word is death and it's icky. We look it up in the dictionary and discover: 1) the end of life. 2) the total and permanent cessation of all the functions of an organism.

Okay...I think we know what death is.  Now we grab the trusty thesaurus that we all kept even if Stephen King told us to throw it in the garbage. Who listens to other writers anyhow even if they make a gazillion dollars (gazillion dollars is a euphemism for rich--C whut I did thar)?

3) In this step we examine and pick from either one or any combination of synonyms for the word that we really mean (but which has a softer appeal--think Charmin or Quilted Northern--yes I'm sticking with the toilet paper theme as this whole blog post is essentially, toilet humor). Synonyms as given to us by the thesaurus for the icky word "death" are: afterlife, annihilation, bereavement, casualty, cessation, curtains, darkness, decease, demise, departure, destruction, dissolution, downfall, dying, end, ending, eradication, eternal rest, euthanasia, exit, expiration, extermination, extinction, fatality, finis, finish, grave, grim reaper, heaven, loss, mortality, necrosis, obliteration, oblivion, paradise, parting, passing, passing over, quietus, release, repose, ruin, ruination, silence, sleep, termination, and tomb. 

4) Pick your euphemism.  In this case since it sounds like something that would happen in a library which is very bookish and thus related to writing, I'll pick the word "expired".  So now you can go over to that group of people and ask them "Who expired today?"  Now doesn't that sound so much better than the icky "d" word?  I knew you would agree hee hee.


That's totally not a thumbs up because he just

ate there...ya know?

My favorite euphemisms have to do with female anatomy.  Oh writers of the world...why is the term "passion pit" not popular?  And male anatomy can be just as fun.  I'm particularly fond of the term "administrative leave".  Yeah...you just been fired biatch--that's all that means.

Brits have such good ones.  About a fat person, "They're a little broad in the beam, if ya know what I mean."

This is my srs

face cuz writing

iz srs biznizz

Tell me about your euphemism experiences! Oh, and do you use them in your writing? If not, you totally should. Otherwise, someone may be offended at what you write (I know that offending someone will cause you to lose sleep at night, oh my writer colleagues)!