Friday, March 11, 2011

Thank You I'm Such A Smart Shopper Now :)

I spent some time on, you know, looking at books and stuff when I recalled this article written by someone that said something akin to "reviews are important".  I dunno, maybe it was an agent prior to them turning into a writer once they got 1000 followers (seems to be the magic number where the crap you write suddenly becomes... marketable). Anyway, there I am...breathless...using when it occurs to me, hey, I should read these reviews. But before I continue...a little information is needed because I'm a little nutty.

It was $39.95. I hit the "Like" button
So my weekend project was going to be to look after a bulldog that looks more like a large pig and to build a time-machine in my brother's backyard. In order to do that, I thought that I'd better start with some Uranium-235 (not for the pig...err I mean dog). I went on to and found a really good deal here.  Then I started to look at the know, let the buyer beware and all that.  I is a smart writer mmkay?

User Patrick wrote a review that said, "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty." When I read this, my heart sunk. Thank you user Patrick. I might have bought this shoddy uranium in a can. Afterall, there's no expiration date.

Kyle wrote, "The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was buying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller doesn't run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker."  Well as long as the stuff is competitive in the global market, maybe I'll give this guy a shot, ya know? 
The transformation was almost instantaneous!
I lost 10 pounds, grew 2 cup sizes and my
hair fell into soft bouncy curls. I no longer feel
inclined to hide my insecurities behind
ciggarettes, beer, foul language and belching.
Thank you, Three Wolf Moon!

Next on my list was The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Tee for $11.95. I wanted to see how it would look on me so I went ahead and clicked on the pictures that people had loaded to see it live and in action.  I found the picture at left. 

I was so sold on it. I also bought one for my friend Tomeka. I know she's going to love it.

But even if you weren't sold on it, they also had the one that is obviously tailored to the Christian market. This is awesome, I can appease all of my lady friends and my Christian friends with this one product.
Thank you Three Wolf Moon!
Now I have not one, but three
Jesus in my life every day.

I still watch Bugs Bunny, and you know, after spending the afternoon with a client that wanted to look for pictures of her dead rabbit, I thought why the hell not get my own dead rabbit? Afterall, hossenfeffer stew sounds delcious. I went looking to see if could buy some fresh whole rabbit.

M. Rosen's review was invaluable as far as this rare delicacy goes.  

"Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot."

$149.99--garbage? or genius?
I'm glad I came to the right place.

But the greatness didn't stop there.  I found a prized UFO detector just in time for Alyson's post over at Paranormal Pursuits. Additionally, there's the International Space Station flying over California right now. Maybe my new doodad could help me avoid know...the kind that don't pick the tomatoes.

Here's the review:

"I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and operate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don't exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn't mind helping our fUtUre overlords!

Do not bUy this prodUct."

Peter Griffin...note the shape of his
Last but not least, I was really hoping to find a bargain on a rubber scrotum. I've got this Family Guy know...and well Peter's chin looks like a scrotum, right? (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) I know I's okay to come out with it...there are so many of us in denial that yes...that is indeed a scrotum drawn on the end of Peter Griffin's chin.

A frickin bargain for $151.01 and it's in
But could come through for me?  Oh yes they can dear madam (or sir if I'm counting the three guys that visit my blog). I know you want a picture of it so yeah...I'm including one for your viewing pleasure.

But is it worth the money?  Again...the reviews:

Wendy Shearer writes, "Not only a wonderful teaching model, but while trying to find the tumors, I discovered, it acts as a makeshift stress ball! When I am in line at the grocery store I just whip out this handy little bugger and squeeze away....the line around me just dissapears...what an effective little doo dad!"

Wow! It only gets better:

User Tony gives this product five stars and says, "Finally, a rubber scrotum that I can use for exam training purposes. My roommate was going "nuts" (pardon the pun) because I kept trying to use his. I wish he wasn't such a light sleeper. Oh well."

The devil is in the details people.  Read the reviews!

Have a great weekend. XOXO :)


  1. OK I really enjoyed this. Nice take on Amazon reviews. The rubber scrotum was a hoot and thanks to you I can never look at the Family Guy's chin again the same way. Do you think that is why they named him Peter?
    You speak alien very well and it is making me worry about where my comments are going to. Very funny! Keep on keepin' on!

  2. Crazy and hilarious! Have a great weekend!

  3. I can't beleive some of the stuff people are actually making money on! It is pretty funny though. I love reading reviews on amazons. Even normal products usually have at least one really bizarre review. Oh and Thanks for the mention! :)

  4. I have been thinking about selling out, no I mean selling the little piece of granite that my Grandfather left me. He chipped it off Plymouth Rock back in the days when the rock wasn't down in a pit all protected. What should I charge for it? hmmm.
    Thanks for your post, a laugh is like a million dollars

  5. Jeez, they have everything there. I love writing reviews though, especially when they give me free books.

    BTW, make sure to pick up your major award today!

  6. The person who wrote the hUman review is so my hero right now. I think I'd give a tentacle and a glorberg...I mean an arm and a meet them.

  7. I bet you're the one going onto Amazon and writing those reviews! Confess Charlie confess!

  8. Ok I have to say this - Your posts make me feel great about telling people I am a writer! I mean hey - at least I am not explaining that I invented so fake plastic testicles for people to play with!
    How do you put that on your resume and not ---stand out!

    The alien detector - hey people got to do somethin' - those little suckers are hard to find - and according to THE SHOW they may be actually Fairy people - not aliens. That thing starts beeping - get that microwave door open!

  9. Love it! Thank you so much!

    I have got to start reading the reviews!

  10. I love the Three Wolf Moon shirt - especially the musical tribute - just pure awesomeness :-)

  11. These are great, especially the wolf shirt review!

  12. Ha ha! I love it. Thanks for the laugh, Michael.

  13. I think I need the rubber scrotum for stress relief, especially if it cuts down the grocery lines. I would save so much time at the store. Really awesome stuff.

  14. How frustrating for you to have to postpone the time machine project. Hope you find some fresh dated uranium soon.

    Very funny, Michael. Keep us posted.

  15. That's hilarious. Thank you for sharing!

  16. This puts reviews on a whole new plane. Great laugh Michael.


  17. This is hysterical. Thanks for sharing.

  18. This is really great...I'd better buy the UFO detector before they sell out.

  19. funny, funny, funny! Must read them and take a breather from the Craigslist NYC "missed connections," which have started to become unspeakably poignant, and that is a sure indication I need new pastures for grazing... JF

  20. Thanks for the laugh :) I can't believe how dedicated some people are to making these "reviews."