So I recently posted a snippet of my writing and got some fantastic feedback. Despite Rusty's comment that said "boy you must have a thick skin to post some writing here," or something like that (not a direct quote) I actually do have a thick skin and am rather proud of that fact. But honestly, I think that I was able to improve that scene that I posted so much from the feedback that if I could, I would totally want that on every page. That of course isn't possible.
But I do feel comfortable in asking one other small favor.
I've been working on OCULUS, which is the sequel to SLIPSTREAM, and I want to get the blurb for the book solidified. Think of this as kinda similar to a query letter I think...only without all the Dear Agent and this book has so and so word count and all that jazz. Or, think of it as an extremely short synopsis. Maybe that's a better word. But it needs to grab or be interesting or have zing!
I know it doesn't have that yet.
So I'd like to post it here for you to look at and tell me what I should do to make it better. It's 250~ words right now. Here it is:
But I do feel comfortable in asking one other small favor.
I've been working on OCULUS, which is the sequel to SLIPSTREAM, and I want to get the blurb for the book solidified. Think of this as kinda similar to a query letter I think...only without all the Dear Agent and this book has so and so word count and all that jazz. Or, think of it as an extremely short synopsis. Maybe that's a better word. But it needs to grab or be interesting or have zing!
I know it doesn't have that yet.
So I'd like to post it here for you to look at and tell me what I should do to make it better. It's 250~ words right now. Here it is:
Fall
semester has arrived for the Ivy League, and Jordan Pendragon attends his first
classes as a freshman at Cornell. Born
with a brilliant mathematical mind, he strives to balance a life as a research
assistant with that of a student athlete playing ice hockey for the Big Red.
Armed
with the university’s particle collider, Jordan is tasked with fluoroscoping
Antarctic ice cores to identify the elements they contain. The data he collects will be used by Dr.
Wolfson, head of the climate-change project, to assemble the world’s first
atmospheric model reflecting a million years of Earth’s history.
But
Jordan has another agenda. He combs the
data strings for a specific signature belonging to the rare earth element neodymium. Used to make essential magnets in all electronics,
the presence of neodymium will give Jordan a search area to begin his quest for the
Black Tower, a monolithic edifice housing a thing that defines the very
structure of the universe. As large as a
mountain, Jordan believes it is buried somewhere in Antarctica under miles
of prehistoric ice.
October finds Jordan earning a starting position with the team. But a dark cloud gathers over
his rookie season. Unexplained
deaths, whispers of a cannibal cult, and a stone known only as the Oculus cast
a shadow over his athletic dreams. It is the start of a terrifying journey down a path of betrayal, murder, and to an Evil more ancient than the stars.
I am certainly no expert at this kind of thing, but on a personal level, I would be very much more drawn in if you stopped at "But Jordan has another agenda."
ReplyDeleteNot knowing what his agenda is, makes me want to read more to find out what he is going to do.
I also like the last paragraph a lot, because it says a lot about the book without giving anything away.
Sorry this isn't much help, but I thought I'd throw my thoughts out there!
I don't know if this will make any sense, and it's too late for me to be able to tell (I should have been in bed hours ago, but I've been working).
ReplyDeleteThe whole this is too matter of fact. The first two paragraphs leave me thinking, "so?" I might not feel that way if I'd read the first book already, but without any background knowledge, all of that seems very ho hum. Focus on Jordan and what he wants not on the details of his life.
Maybe start with something like about the Black Tower and why Jordan needs to find it?
I agree with both comments above. As a synopsis, it's okay, but you need to spoiler the ending - however as a blurb it needs more mystery to it. Your last paragraph is fantastic, but reading it with the paragraph before makes it sound like there's too much going on and confuses the reader with where the story is actually taking you. Is it an adventure in search of the Black Tower or is about betrayal, murder and cannibalism? If the two are connected, if, maybe, the evil of the dark tower is innfluencing all this, then maybe you could hint to that too...
ReplyDeleteJust a thought. Hope it helps :)
For me, "an Evil more ancient from the stars" is what drew me in. I'm intrigued. Perhaps putting it more upfront? Just my two pesos worth. Love the title.
ReplyDeleteThe first and last paragraphs are really good for me. Somewhere in the middle, it becomes too detailed. I think a blurb should tease more than explain. The third paragraph is especially detailed and that's the one I would whittle down. I like that it begins with, "But Jordan has another agenda...etc." But I would simplify the middle and last sentences of this paragraph to "Jordan embarks on a quest for the Black Tower which houses the very structure of the universe."
ReplyDeleteI liked the last paragraph a lot. I was confused about playing hockey at college while doing stuff in Antarctica. Seemed long for a blurb.
ReplyDeleteOK, you asked.
ReplyDeleteMy gut reaction was to say lead in with your last paragraph (reworked, of course). After reading the other comments, that seems to be the general consensus. I would also find a way to end with 'Jordan has another agenda'. You can hint at the agenda somewhere in the body of the blurb, but leave it hanging a little bit. (it's a blurb, not a full blown synopsis, right?)
Those two middle paragraphs need to be 'pepped up' a bit. find a way to get the facts out there in a more interesting way (I read your other stuff, you can do this -think of it like 'writing -writing' not 'blurb or synopsis writing').
Hope that helps, in the end 'what do I know anyway'?
Without reading the first book, I might not understand everything. Think the first line need more punch. Andrew has some good points. Needs a little more. Don't know how much room you're given on the back, but my publisher reigns me in around two hundred words. (And makes many changes!)
ReplyDeleteI'd minimize the stuff about the school and hockey team if not get rid of it altogether. I'm not sure how long you want it but I think a blurb is supposed to be short, so really I'd dump everything until about the last paragraph with Jordan starting for the team and everything going to shit because of the Oculus--but what is the Oculus?
ReplyDeleteI agree with several other comments. I have an extended blurb, short blurb, and tagline for the book. I do think my extended blurb was too long. If I were you, I'd shrink this a little, and give it more punch. The first and last line are so critical. Of courses, I'm no expert at these. :)
ReplyDeleteI guess I am going to be the odd man out in the comments. I like what you have and am very intrigued about not only this book, but the first one, too.
ReplyDeleteI can't pinpoint anything that stood out to me in a negative or I don't get it way. (And I love that it's at Cornell- not far from me! With hockey-my son's new sport!)
Sorry I am not being more helpful, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents!
I have one piece of advice, and that's that the second sentence needs to be the first one. The first sentence is setup, and uninteresting setup at that. I'm on your blog because I know you online, etc, but in a crowded bookstore, you'd already have lost me.
ReplyDeleteIt felt like an overload of information for me. But it does sound like a fun and interesting book.
ReplyDeleteYeah i agree with most the other comments. I would rework, see if you could start where you end now. I think it's all there, i think it just needs to be rearranged and tightened some.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that the second sentence should be where you start. I would introduce your character before you introduce the "setting". If that makes sense
For a blurb, it's pretty long - although I've seen blurbs specifically created to be longer for specific marketing pieces.
ReplyDeleteFirst two paragraphs drop a little background stuff, but doesn't really grab me. That last paragraph does for sure, though. I want to learn more about this "Evil more ancient that the stars."
So my first impression is to condense it further, go straight to the conflict of your story without too much background stuff in the beginning.
Oh, and his name really Pendragon? Cool. Any relation to Arthur?
@Jay: Allegorically yes. That's the whole point. :) I'm glad you saw that.
ReplyDelete@Everyone else: Thanks for your input. It is invaluable to me. Nothing quite like getting free feedback :))) I will have my work to do this weekend and maybe next week I can take up a post with a revised blurb and solicit more feedback. I love blogging.
I agree with what most everyone is saying. I do think the last paragraph has the biggest punch, and the other three paragraphs could be condensed and tightened.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm looking forward to book two based on the description. :)
I wish I could help, but since I've never written a synopsis in my life, I won't be able to give you any tips of value. :-)
ReplyDeleteI noted the words that I found interesting, cut out all the others. I added one word, 'hockey' in the last paragraph. :)
ReplyDeleteJordan Pendragon attends his first classes as a freshman at Cornell. Born with a brilliant mathematical mind, he balances life as a research assistant with that of a student athlete.
But Jordan has another agenda. He begins his quest for the Black Tower, a monolithic edifice housing a thing that defines the very structure of the universe. Jordan believes it is buried somewhere in Antarctica under miles of prehistoric ice.
October finds Jordan earning a starting position with the hockey team. But a dark cloud gathers over his rookie season. Unexplained deaths, whispers of a cannibal cult, and a stone known only as the Oculus cast a shadow over his athletic dreams. It is the start of a terrifying journey down a path of betrayal, murder, and to an Evil more ancient than the stars.
@Huntress: Wow...you blew me away. Thank you thank you thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteIt's like you cut through all of my word troubles and pulled the best through. I'm so using this.
I'm so happy :)))
Oooh, I love me some blurbs, you know I write those for my publisher ;) The last passage is the best one, the first three are OK too, maybe a bit too long, but nice :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds good to me. However, I'm really no expert. I've never written one myself.
ReplyDeleteYou're writing of the blurb is great. Want to work on mine? :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I condensed it.
Fall semester has arrived for the Ivy League, and Jordan Pendragon attends his first classes as a freshman at Cornell. Using the university’s particle collider, Jordan is tasked with fluoroscoping Antarctic ice cores. The data he collects will be used by Dr. Wolfson, head of the climate-change project, to assemble the world’s first atmospheric model reflecting a million years of Earth’s history.
But Jordan has another, to begin his quest for the Black Tower, a monolithic edifice housing a thing that defines the very structure of the universe. As large as a mountain, Jordan believes it is buried somewhere in Antarctica under miles of prehistoric ice.
Your blurb would make me want to read more. I admit that I read this in the morning and could only remember bits of it by evening because there is so much packed into it. I tend to agree with Grumpy about getting rid of the hockey part. But still..it's fascinating.
ReplyDeleteI read this without reading other comments - fresh eyes. The main things that stuck out for me:
ReplyDelete- First paragraph - I'd combine the first two sentences, since it' a bit long winded
- Second paragraph feels like information overload. Could it be a simple intro to the third paragraph, which is where things really get interesting
- Third paragraph - I wanted to know more of his reason for doing this... haven't finished book 1 yet to see if it's a carry on, but even if it is, no harm in reminding the reader.
- Fourth paragraph is great... this is the paragraph that makes me want to read this book.
Hope that helps...
I am in no position to advise any one on writing a blurb.
ReplyDeleteVR Barkowski,(a blogger) reviews books. May be she can help.
Looks to me you've already gotten tons of great advice. The only thing I'd add is that by throwing around words like fluoroscoping and neodymium in your blurb you may be alienating a few potential readers unnecessarily. You might attract a few as well, but I think the net would be a loss.
ReplyDeleteI like it. You do a good job of explaining the technical elements and why they are important to Jordan. And who doesn't love cannibalistic cults? I just have two minor changes:
ReplyDelete1) I would revise or delete the first sentence. The "Born with a brilliant math mind..." sentence pulls the reader in more. You can add the fall semester/freshman/Cornell fact onto another sentence. Example: "Born with a brilliant math mind, Cornell freshman Jordan Pendragon strives..."
2) I would take out the first two sentences of the last paragraph. It takes away from the suspense and intrigue you've been building. Instead, tack that on here: "...and a stone known only as the Oculus cast a shadow over his rookie season."
Great job! I hope this helps. I'm excited to read slipstream.
Hey Michael! Okay - I read this yesterday morning and it has taken me until NOW to comment. Pathetic, I know!
ReplyDeleteIf you want this blurb for a book, I would shorten it up quite a bit. Only because I don't want to read a big blurb. I want it short and sweet. In fact, if you could condense paragraphs 1 and 2 into 2 sentences, and then pose the suspenseful last paragraph, I think it'd be awesome.
I actually find it all intriguing. The book sounds awesome. Just cut, what isn't absolutely essential for the blurb.
You've got a lot of great advice (I skimmed through the comments).
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions is its a bit too technical (nerdy?) throughout the body, and Jordan's playing hocky doesn't seem to have anything to do with the overall plot.
Perhaps a simpler concept that lets the reader know this is a sequel, but has its own plot concept to move the overall series along.
First paragraph maybe mentioning where the first novel left off (After saving the alternate univers from the the threads of the AI spiders, Jordan and his sister has been given leave to return to their world to complete their education. Jordan doesn't mind the AI's decree that he attend Cornell Universiity and major in - whatever the discipline is - because it also allows him to whatever and whatever and play on the ice hockey team of his dreams).
Follow that with the obstacles that make up the overall story plot for THIS novel, what is at stake if he fails, and what resources are available to make the difference.
Yes, I also really love the last paragraph; but I'd suggest using it as your middle paragraph to transition from Jordan and his "ordinary" life, to what changes and causes him to act the hero.
As an aside: I guess now I know why you haven't been popping up in my reader. I didn't know I wasn't following you.
........dhole
Hi Michael. I'm only a reader so I'm thinking of what I'm attracted to when choosing a book using the blurb. I find this one terrible long and detailed. I also agree that stopping at: he had other motives might have been good.
ReplyDeleteAnd another thing is that by the time I came to the end, the middle had muddled me so that I forgot what the beginning was about so I had to go back to just check where the sport bit at the end came in. Sorry not Ge rest feedback.
Hey Michael! I didnt realize your book was coming out so soon. Very cool! I think it sounds great. I'd totally read it. I do recommend restructuring your blurb tho. The first sentence needs rearrainging IMO. ANd I'd change the word "thing" in your third paragraph. Specify.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds pretty cool, but it sounds like a lot of back story in the first few paragraphs. The last paragraph was my favorite, so maybe you could expand that and thin down the earlier stuff. I also think you could use more of a hook for your first sentence. The one you have is fine, but it doesn't jump off the page. Looking forward to reading your stuff!
ReplyDeleteMichael:
ReplyDeleteHow's this: it's about half the length and removes details that belong in the story itself.
Most freshmen would think a position on the Big Red starting lineup at the start of a winning hockey season, plus an invitation to the team using Cornell’s particle collider to analyze Antarctic ice cores would be more than enough.
But Jordan Pendragon has another agenda. He combs the collider’s data for clues to the location of the Black Tower (no, not in the dorm fridge , next to the Mateus —that’s a different Black Tower)---a mountain-sized monolith that holds the key to the structure of the universe.
Jordan’s search, his season and his freshman year get complicated by inexplicable deaths and whispers about a campus cannibal cult. The appearance of something called the Oculus sends Jordan down a terrifying path of betrayal and murder to the source of an evil more ancient than the stars.
I really like you latest version Michael. It gives just enough background and leaves loads of intrigue.
ReplyDeleteThe last two sentences, brilliant. Those would make me buy.
@Wendy: Thank you so much.
ReplyDelete@Written Words: Oh that's brilliant. Me likey.
You're very brave to post your blurb! I have such trouble with this. But here are my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think you're 90 percent there. I would suggest re-arranging the otder of things a little:
Start by grabbing the reader/audience. something like:
Evil more ancient than the stars threatens XX.
Or if you can be a bit more specific about the evil - better.
Then explain Jordan. What makes him special?(mention his mathematical abilities) and how is it that he's the only one who can defeat the evil. Personalize him a bit so I can root for him?
And of course, include some tech/science stuff (but not so much as to overwhelm?) so we know what kind of genre we'll be reading.
I'm a YA romance reader so I'm not that into the particle colliders etc but I think I'd still be interested in reading it if I could identify more with Jordan.
Just my two cents.
Thank you for sharing your post! blurb its cool!
ReplyDelete