Thursday, February 9, 2012

A snippet from some of my writing

I've had a lot of fun showing some of my writing this week, and talking about my characters. So much so, that I wanted to solicit some feedback on one scene in the sequel to SLIPSTREAM.  I hope you don't mind.  Please don't feel obligated to read it.  If you do, I ask that you please press play on the embedded video first because the music of Chopin really inspired me to write this piece, and it's classical music so you can read and listen at the same time. :)

Jordan checked behind him and saw no one.  “Myd?” he whispered, not wishing to make too much noise.  His eyes darted in every direction from underneath the shadow cast by the bill from the hockey cap.  He strained to hear anything, but he heard no footfalls.  A wind chime sounded its ghostly music on the far side of an open window.
He turned around and admired the baby grand; it called to him.  He’d never played anything other than a guitar and most of that had been done on a game for the Sony Playstation 3.  He didn’t understand the compulsion that he felt to touch it; to run his fingers over the white lacquer, to press its keys.  His Adam’s apple bobbed under the smooth white skin of his throat, and he walked over, reached out with the fingers of his right hand, and gently stroked the tops of them.  He caressed them like he would a lover.  Wordlessly, Jordan moved the bench out, took a seat, and started pressing the keys as musical notes took root in his mind.  He played Nocturne Opus 9 No. 2 by Frederic Chopin.  He’d heard it before but had never played it, never dreamed of playing it, and suddenly he was able to do so as if he’d practiced it all of his life.
His fingers flew over the keys, pressing them in tune as if directed by a ghostly consciousness.  He closed his eyes, feeling the music rise around him like a warm, soothing blanket.  On the ephemeral wings of the Nocturne’s slow and exquisite rhythm, Jordan saw the sun drenched parlor of the home as it appeared in all seasons of the year.  In the sparkling clear notes from the piano, he saw a man that looked much like him playing at the exquisite instrument.  He was in his mid-twenties, blond, slender of build, wearing a blue denim jacket almost identical to the one he wore now.
Jordan lost track of time, playing the keys, long narrow fingers flying over them, eyes flitting back and forth as if reading invisible sheet music.  Behind him, Myddrin entered the room, observing him at the piano.  Next to her, stood a tall man whose age lay between sixty and seventy.  He wore plaid pants, leather shoes, and his hair appeared as white as new snow.  He had a mustache and pale green eyes.  He looked on Jordan with fascination as the teenager played the piano, fingers finding keys that had been neglected for years.  It was haunting and beautiful to hear the music once again, for he’d heard it before…played from a heart that cherished the sound in the same way that Chopin had cherished Nocturne.  And then the strangest thing happened—Jordan began to cry.  Tears welled up and streamed down his cheeks but he continued unfaltering, fingers guided by a ghost from his past—by someone that loved him more than his own life.
When he finished, Jordan sat there in complete silence, blond eyelashes restrained tears with nothing but surface tension, fully aware that Myd and a stranger watched him.  But he couldn’t move as his mind raced.  Jordan thought the unthinkable.  A single tear fell from his chin and broke on the piano.  “My father played this,” he said.  “My dad played this every single day, right here, in this spot.”
“—Jordan,” the man said at last.  His voice fell upon his ears like thick syrup.
He turned and looked at the speaker standing there next to Myddrin.  He respectfully stood and removed his hockey cap and held it in his hands.  “I’m sorry, sir,” he said.  “I don’t know what came over me—.”
“It’s all right, son” the man stated.  “I haven’t heard Chopin played like that since your father played it for me—as you’d guessed already—almost eighteen years ago.”


I have always had a fondness for Chopin. I hope you liked this snippet.

31 comments:

  1. Oh very nice. I could hear the music. Wait, I could hear the music because I punched play. Seriously, a beautiful snippet, with some incredible backup. I could see ,hear and FEEL him.

    Lovely piece of music also. Thanks.

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  2. Very powerful scene. LOve how music inspires, and Chopin definitely inspired you - and after hearing the clip,I could see why.

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  3. It was very moving. I pictured the scene well and imagined him playing. Very good scene.

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  4. The section where he's playing the piano is excellent! It flows just like music.

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  5. It was good except I found one part confusing.

    "Behind him, Myddrin entered the room, observing him at the piano. Next to her, stood a tall man whose age lay between sixty and seventy. He wore plaid pants, leather shoes, and his hair appeared as white as new snow. He had a mustache and pale green eyes. He looked on Jordan with fascination as the teenager played the piano, fingers finding keys that had been neglected for years. "

    The problem here is that you've focused the rest of the scene from Jordan's POV, so this part is a little jarring because now you're adding these other POV moments. Or at least I thought it was shifting POV because I doubt Jordan would be noticing that stuff if he's so focused on playing the piano.

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  6. Beautiful writing...I like that you included the music. I had to turn it off to concentrate on reading the piece, but then I could imagine Jordan playing it.

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  7. Beautiful writing...I like that you included the music. I had to turn it off to concentrate on reading the piece, but then I could imagine Jordan playing it.

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  8. Damn! I really wish i could play the embeded music on my work PC.
    I thought it was good. Anything i noticed was just really nitpicky line edit stuff that i can't really turn off while i'm in the midst of revisions. Though reading over the other comments, i agree with Grumpy that the description of the stranger is a bit of a POV break if Jordan isn't actually looking at him. You could move it, though, to when Jordan's done playing and he looks at them

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  9. I agree with Sarah that the best thing would be to move that to after he's done playing.

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  10. Ohhhh... you've created some magic here, my friend. I love writers that can create a mood around their words... capture a bit of magic. You did that here. I was there--I felt it.

    Thanks for this. Annnnnd being a music major in college, I always love me some Chopin. *winks*

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  11. A really enjoyable read. I can see it all as clear as a picture. I've often thought that I'd give up the ability to paint if only I could play a musical instrument. Music affects the emotions so much more quickly than painting. Your story has an immediate effect. Nicely done.

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  12. First: You write wonderfully. I could picture the scene and Jordan's own images in my mind.

    I thought the same thing as Grumpy about the point of view, but found it less jarring. What I did note was that the extended description of the man took away from the description of the piano playing. If you want to convey the peaceful, flowing image of Jordan playing piano, do that, and like others said, move the description to the end. Otherwise, the effect is almost as if (in my mind) the playing paused when the man and woman entered.

    By the way: Asking me to read something AND play a song? That is really demanding a lot of your blog readers. I'm worn out.

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  13. Wow. I mean, um. Wow.

    I could 'see' him play.
    Love Chopin, btw.

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  14. That's a beautiful scene. My only suggestions are very nitpicky. The hair as white as snow is a little cliche as is the sound enveloping him like a blanket. But otherwise it was really well done.

    Also, the line "he caressed them like he would a lover" I thought you could add to it by describing the actual sensation a little. Give it a little heat. ;))

    Just my two cents for what it's worth...

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  15. @L.G.: I enjoy nitpicky. When I post something like this, I'm pleased to get as much feedback as possible. Grumpy's was extremely valuable. I tweaked it some already in the original and am more pleased with moving certain parts to the end and working on the POV issues.

    So to anyone else...nitpick away. I love it.

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  16. Emotionally powerful scene. And how the heck is Jordan able to play the piano like that???? Hmm...

    I love Chopin...especially the dramatic little change just before the 4 minute mark.

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  17. The scene was absolutely beautiful Michael. I wanted to read on because of the emotion of the moment. I am a pianist, so I know the music well. You write so well!

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  18. Really nice piece Michael. In the paragraph where you describe the older man, I'd eliminate the second sentence of description about him or combine the two sentences somehow. It felt like too much and (in this snipper) I didn't need quite that much info.

    do you play the piano?

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  19. You've got a thick skin of you want feedback in a forum like this. It's a nice excerpt though. Well done.

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  20. Sincerely, it's beautiful, the writing and the music. Awesome that you shared it with us.

    The only thing I would change is "bill of his hockey cap" instead of "bill from the hockey cap" - seems smoother to me. I think 'sun-drenched' should be hyphenated, not positive.

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  21. Loved the scene. Just on thing niggled: Jason saw characters behind him without looking.

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  22. This is wonderful, Mike. Your description is lush, and the use of a musical piece to bridge familial generations makes for an emotionally impactful scene.

    If I were to suggest anything, besides some of the suggestions listed in these comments, I might nix the mention of "Sony Playstation 3" for something a bit more generic. "Video game" or "Rock Band," I think would be better. But that's merely a small preference on my part.

    A great job, though. I look forward to reading much more of your writing.

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  23. I've got three nitpicky things, although two of them have already been said:

    "Hair as white as snow"--as LG mentioned, is a tiny bit cliche and it pulled me from the rest of the beautiful writing.

    And the POV break could be moved to the end to make the scene more fluid.

    The only other thing is this sentance (like I said, really nitpicky)

    "He’d heard it before but had never played it, never dreamed of playing it, and suddenly he was able to do so as if he’d practiced it all of his life."

    You should change Suddenly to yet, because suddenly implies that if he sat down yesterday and tried he wouldn't be able to...but I think what you are trying to say is that he always had this ability he just never tried before.

    My favorite line was:

    When he finished, Jordan sat there in complete silence, blond eyelashes restrained tears with nothing but surface tension, fully aware that Myd and a stranger watched him.

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  24. I'm trying to think how I'd translate SLIPSTREAM ... have no idea yet :)

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  25. I got absorbed into this snippet. I recommend mentioning what his hands look like sooner rather than later. We get a picture when he touches the piano and then it's surprising to know they might be different. Perhaps his long narrow fingers can brush the keys?

    I wish I could listen to the music now, but I'm at the kids' taekwondo.

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  26. Intriguing snippet. Very soothing to read while the music played. I would change "A game for Sony Playstation 3" to "Guitar Hero". Minor thing.

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  27. Beautiful, Michael. I really enjoyed this. I felt his longing to touch the piano's keys. The entire snippet is very visual and drew me right in.

    Here's my $0.02 for whatever they're worth. :D

    “Myd?” he whispered, not wishing to make too much noise.

    You can cut everything after "he whispered" since not wanting to be loud is the point of whispering.

    Both the 3rd and 4th paras start with his fingers flying over the keys.

    "His fingers flew over the keys" & "Jordan lost track of time, playing the keys, long narrow fingers flying over them,"

    The repeat of that kind of jumped out at me.

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  28. Listening to the music, it really seems to fit the writing.

    I love the descriptions!

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  29. Thank you so much everyone. I feel that I have a better understanding of what I need to do to fix things that are giving me some trouble. I'm so pleased with all the feedback.

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  30. The aura of the scene is quite good Michael. The cliched pieces that were mentioned in the comments can easily be fixed although some of your dialogue could be a less "that's what I figured he would say". In other words don't have the characters say things you have already described or shown. Have them bring something new to the scene.

    I didn't listen to the music and I think what you ultimately want to do is have the writing reflect the tone of the music.

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  31. I've skimmed through the comments; and have to agree that the ambiguous POV and the pronouns took me out of the story. (It did so in Slipstream also.) And yes, the description of the stranger went on a little long.

    But I loved the emotional content; and the mystique of who was actually playing - Jordan or some ghostly manifestion of the past. This scene was deep and passionate; one of the character traits that endear me to Jordan. When he does "feel" something, it is practically overwhelming, and draws my heart to him.

    The only other comment I have comes, also, from reading Slipstream. I don't know if he and Kolin are still together here; but if they are I think instead of "caressed them like he would a lover" I'd like to see it something like" carressed the keys as if stroking Kolin's hips". Something specific to whoever Jordan's current lover is, or whoever he thinks about so intimately.

    But this is a beautiful, evocative scene. I'm looking forward to reading the sequel.

    ........dhole

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