Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A gold dragon with all the moxen is Dan Frazier calling magic players a bunch of hoarders

Art by Dan Frazier. Does it make you want to be a hoarder?
Magic 8 Ball says: "Signs point to yes"
This picture by artist Dan Frazier is the nerdiest Magic: The Gathering tribute I've seen in a while. And within it's beautiful details is a statement that in my opinion is far from complimentary. But it's OH SO TRUE!

For those of you who don't know, this is Magic: The Gathering's 20th anniversary and to celebrate it, all of the original artists (people like Dan Frazier and more importantly Kaja and Phil Foglio!) have all put up some new art that's available in a book with oversight from parent company Wizards of the Coast.

It's pretty obvious that Richard Garfield (the creator) probably had no idea of the immense goldmine that would explode two decades ago from his creation. I can summarize Magic as thus: it's a strategy game kinda similar to chess, but not really, that involves micro-management of resources to the nth degree to defeat the person across from you. Catch all that? Shaking your head no? Well I'll try to explain further.
These pretty cards are very rare and very expensive. In my opinion,
any child molester could drop 10K or more on these bad babies, park
outside a huge tournament with his white van, and probably lure all
kinds of kiddos to the "park" (if ya know what I mean) by simply saying,
wanna see my moxen? It sounds really sad, doesn't it? That's because it is sad.
Parents, pay attention to your sons. Tell them a mox sapphire offered from the
door of a white van is just NOT WORTH IT. And yes I said "sons" and not
"daughters" because let's face it, Magic is a total sausage hang.
Deck design is based upon sets that are released upon a proven "money making" formula and old cards are phased out so that there's always incentive to buy the new stuff (capitalism people! Chop! Chop!). The huge tournaments offer a very comfortable living wage to anyone that has the genius to wield and overcome all those who stand in their path (like maybe buy a Mercedes wage but not necessarily a permanent niche among the 1%).

The game has excellent mechanics, is easy to learn, and fun to play. And just like any game that millions of people play, it has its share of douchebags that (if they lose) they're really sore losers and just don't make it fun to play at all. And if you get into any level of competition, you really have to be perfect, and because there are only ever really like three to four solid decks to play that someone with an IQ of 200 creates even before the new cards are made, everyone else copies those decks and that's what you end up facing all day long.

And when I mean you have to be perfect to even be remotely competitive...I'm serious. You play a card a second too soon or tap a land or an artifact out of order, and it's game over because your opponents are THAT good. And that's just in small tournaments. I've no idea what the competition is like in the Big Boy stuff. I'm pretty sure that everyone that plays at that level probably can do advanced calculus in their head.

Anyway, the one yucky phenomenon of Magic: The Gathering is that it inspires "hoarding." And yes, I totally mean that in the negatory like a picture from a home in "Hoarders" or a screenshot from the meme Skyrim hoarding. Boys are especially susceptible because boys like fantasy stuff, and jewels, and swords, and they buy all these cards and put them in order alphabetically. It starts as a small box, grows to a bigger box, and then grows to multiple boxes. Pretty soon your house is overrun with boxes of worthless magic cards with essentially cartoony art and coffee stains from having smelly teenagers over at all hours of the night to play Magic around your kitchen table. Your friends come over and wonder why there's a card with weeds on it laying on the couch and you try to explain to them that it's a plains and if you can just tap it, you'll get one white mana, but usually that starts the eye-glazing effect.
Greeted at the door: Come in, come in...I'll grab my deck of Magic cards to
play ya. I know it's around here somewhere. I think I left my boxes on that
there couch over yonder. Just gotta clear a spot so we can play...
My reply: "Yeah um...f*ck that."
So yeah...hoarding is bad...and the only way to play Magic in my opinion is digitally because it keeps the hoarding in check and nice and tidy. But don't say that to the die-hard hoarders collectors BECAUSE THAT'S JUST NOT HOW IT IS!!!

Anyway, thank you Dan Frazier for providing this awesomesauce art. That's a gold dragon hoarding all of those moxes. And the moxes (the shiny jeweled necklaces) are worth a HUGE amount of money in real life because the hoarders collectors all want them for their epeen enlargement capabilities among the nerd elite.

And yes...epeen means what you think it means.

So yeah, a gold dragon with all the moxen is Dan Frazier calling magic players a bunch of hoarders...and that's why I like it. :))

Disclaimer: I may have spent years of my life buying magic cards and experiencing all of the above things, but you will never know

19 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think I own the equivalent of five or six decks. Had fun with it, but I'm not an extremist, so didn't go crazy buying cards.
And definitely not a hoarder. If I could chuck half of the contents of our house right now, I would, including all CDs, books, etc. The wife isn't quite ready to do that yet though...

mooderino said...

Never got into any of these sorts of card games (and there's a lot of them). I don't like open systems where they can keep inventing new cards and features, seems like more of a money making exercise than an actual game.

mood

Cindy said...

This reminds me of Yu-gi-oh cards that my son used to play. There were so many cards and conditions. I'm sure it takes a lot of study to become good at it.

Briane P said...

Just like when Andrew posts about this stuff, I feel like that farmer in Napoleon Dynamite:

"I don't understand a word you just said."

http://youtu.be/9HXMRBMclgY

So I just read it and imagined it was a poem. And as a poem, it worked. I totally get the imagery.

Briane P said...

I'm lying.

I don't get the imagery at all.

I just wanted to seem cool.

Melissa Rose said...

I played Pokemon in middle school and Yu-Gi-Oh in high school, but my friends and sister stopped playing me because it was to much effort to beat me. So I stopped. But I almost picked up magic one time long ago.

However, keep in mind that there are tons of girls into magic, shinny swords and bejeweled crowns. You just can't spot them in a crowd as easily as some of the men out there.

Girl dorks are not an extinct breed! We've just developed an excellent camouflage. The breasts help.

PT Dilloway, Grumpy Bulldog said...

That's like the Mr. T of dragons. I pity the fool who don't play Magic!

Andrew Leon said...

Or, you know, you sell the extra cards on eBay. As many as you can, at any rate. But I still have too many.

Lexa Cain said...

I adore the picture! It's gorgeous! :-)

Laura Eno said...

Uhm...I've never heard of Magic: the Gathering. :/
Love the dragon picture though! The hoarder's room - not so much. :)

Matthew MacNish said...

I never got into Magic the Gathering. MIGHT and Magic though ...

Mina Burrows said...

The art is beautiful.

My aunt was a hoarder God rest her soul. Mess or no mess I still miss her.

L.G. Smith said...

I'd never even heard of this Magic stuff, before Andrew mentioned it on his blog a few weeks ago. There's a whole other world out there I know nothing about.:P

But I LOVE that picture of the dragon. So cool.

Liz said...

I seem to remember being around those at some point. Never played. Was too busy with other things to learn the ins and outs, though I probably would have enjoyed it.

mshatch said...

I used to play magic with my son - still have my cards but I never went crazy with it. It was fun though :)

Jay Noel said...

20th anniversary? Really??? I feel old.

Looking forward to your Clone Wars posts!

Melissa Bradley said...

Never even heard of this card game. I'm strictly black jack and poker. This is a gorgeous painting though.

Helena said...

I really am so out of it. I think I heard of this game way back when, but I paid no attention. Now I wish I had the cards to sell.

Elise Fallson said...

Love the dragon picture. I never got into MTG but I did collect garbage pail kids. :P Oh and I do have some collectible X-Files cards that have amazing artwork on them.