The Secret is the McDonald's Cheeseburger

DISCLAIMER:  I AM NOT an industry professional. I am not an agent nor a publisher. I'm some dude with a middle-class salary that sits around and throws his opinions out to the world on a blog. Some of them, like this one, will be controversial.  I read A LOT into books, into what people say, and into what people do not say (that I think is the most interesting).  So read my latest interpretation of what I'm saying about the Big Six publishing industry below knowing that I'm just some guy with an opinion and every person has them.  I just happen to write them down.  And thanks for the shoutout at The Quintessential Query Experiment :)

Yesterday I came across a post written by fellow writer and blogger L.G. Smith.  She attended a workshop held by Sara Megibow, an agent for Nelson Literary Agency, and what was talked about just confirmed what I've been saying all along.  Here...I'm going to cut and paste it:

"Not knowing your genre and NOT writing to a formula. Sara (who represents highly commercial fiction) needs to be able to immediately identify within the first thirty pages which genre the submission falls under. Each genre has a formula or certain expectations that must be met. For example, a Young Adult novel can only be told from the perspective of someone between the ages of fourteen and nineteen, must be a coming of age story, and cannot ever show the point-of-view of an adult. Adhering to word count standards is also part of following the formula. Most adult novels should come in around 100K, while Young Adult should be between 65K-85K. Veering from these standards will result in a rejection, because she isn't looking for the exception to the rule."

So there you have it.  Getting published traditionally by the Big Six means you are writing to a formula (not my words but an authentic agent that has the cahones to come out and say it). It's why all the books that are coming out all sound the same. Stop kidding yourself if you have an agent and write YA and think that your work is not formulaic.  For those of you that desire to have the literary agent, fame, fortune, and snobbery rights to look down on those who are not represented, here is your toolbox:

• White-wash your story. Blacks, gays, lesbians, hispanics can only be put into the book if they die or are there to come in second-place to the white people.
• Female point-of-view, first-person, present-tense. Look at the Hunger Games for a really good example of this. 
• Love triangle. You gotta have two hot guys and they gotta really want to bone your protagonist. But the actual boning can never happen.
• Powers: vampires, mermaids, x-men, angels, demons, undead, magic, and if all else fails, go for the autistic savant that melts brains when he counts toothpicks.  People will be like OMG...that's so original!
• There must be tension between the guys to the point that the girl is always throwing up her hands saying, "Enough!"
• A setting.  If you don't want to make one up roll the dice on the following chart (grab a six-sided die):

1. Future apocalyptic. The world has gone to shit for one of the following reasons: a) overpopulation b) natural disaster c) global warming d) nuclear fallout e) a Jerry Springer virus made all the people in the world into white trash and they killed each other over child support.
2. Underwater.  People live underwater because living on land is so 2008.  And being underwater means everyone has a swimmer's body.
3. Sky.  People live in the sky because living on land is so 2007.
4. Underground. People live under the ground because Sn00ki got a disease called tanmonsteritis from UV rays and they turned her into a monster that started eating people by the truckload but she cannot go underground because UV rays now power her life force.
5. Space.  People live in space because the planet is overcrowded and space is where no one can hear you scream (blatantly stolen from Alien--like that matters since ideas from the eighties are getting recycled anyway).
6. Modern high school.  This only works if there are bullies.  Bullying is so 2010. The bully should also be a stupid jock because there are no smart jocks and if they were smart they wouldn't be bullies.

I have to say that knowing this and being validated by hearing it from an agent even though I suspected it to be true...puts a slightly bad taste in my mouth.  This brings up a matter of respect.  As authors, we tend to look up to the writers who are Big Six published.  We put them on a pedestal.  Is this all misplaced when we realize that the reason they got picked up and published in 2011 is because they followed a formula...whether it be accidental or intentional?  Here's an analogy for you.

The McDonald's Cheeseburger is made the same no matter where you go.
It's one of their most successful formulas and is a constant seller. Just like
in writing, you can change it up a bit. Hold the mustard, no pickles, no ketchup.
But all-in-all it remains the same.  It's kinda like Dystopian YA fiction, right?

I don't know about you, but I don't respect the McDonald's cheeseburger. It tastes the same no matter what city I happen to be in.  Even though I occasionally eat them, I'd rather have a bacon, garlic burger covered in sauteed mushrooms and made from prime meat that I can get at a greasy spoon any day.  But no one can dispute the selling power of McDonald's, right?  Do you aspire to be McDonald's or do you aspire to be the chef that makes an individual burger that is unforgettable? And if so, how do you get the world to know about it when McDonald's has a vested interest in keeping your unique creation unknown to protect their business model?

Out of touch with reality

One of the blogs that I read is written by Anne R. Allen. It's a big blog, and she has this lady named Ruth Harris who comes from an editing position with one of the Big Six Publishers.  Anyway, it like a hundred thousand other blogs out there--it seeks to pass on writing advice. In other words, they tell you how to write so that you can get agented and published with the Big Six.  I assume that, in a perfect world, if you supposedly followed exactly what was said verbatim, you would find yourself with a product that would get 1) agent and 2) book deal and 3) some sales before your career was over.

Why do I say #3 with snark?

The specific piece that Ms. Harris talked about was the things that you shouldn't do to introduce your protagonist to the world.  Another of these was to excise the prologue.  Now, I agree...in many cases, a prologue is unnecessary.  I agonized over mine and decided to get rid of it in the end.  It is now a short story that may help me market my book in a year.  But I made this decision on my own, and not because I took "professional" advice.

I have some strong opinions about the industry professionals snobs (those that pull-down more than $250,000 a year and have education equivalent to that provided by Ivy League schools--Stanford and Berkely and U.C. Irvine are examples of "Ivy League" equivalents).  But more importantly...those that are snobs because of their attitude.  And yes...I'm using the word SNOB.  You may know some in your life.

I think industry professional snobs are out of touch with dung--with crap.  I define "crap" as being anything that isn't a Pulitzer prize winning/ Nebula award winning/ Hugo garnering (you get the picture) piece of written fiction.  I (for example) write crap.  So does Stephanie Meyer and so, for that matter, does George R.R. Martin who by my definition, lost his Hugo to J.K. Rowling (who obviously doesn't write crap because she won an award). 

Okay... so industry professional snobs are out of touch with crap.  Maybe that's because it smells bad and they want to represent future Nobel Prize winners.  They also want these award-winning novelists to make them a lot of money.  But you very rarely get both.

CRAP SELLS. PERIOD.

CRAP, quite frankly, sells rather well.

And I think that industry professionals are ashamed that crap sells well.  I think that it makes them mad.  And they want people to stop writing crap so that they don't have to represent it and that maybe...just maybe...someday better books will be published and the crap will all be cleaned up and flushed away.

But this won't happen.  And, they shouldn't be providing advice on how to win a pulitzer with your prose anyway.  Why try for an "A" when stuff that gets a "C" gets published and makes more money?  They shouldn't be providing advice on how to be the next J.M. Coetzee.  Industry snobs sound a lot like college professors (and I know some) who sit back and speak of things that they think is true...but the high school dropout that has three kids at Wal-Mart who buys romance novels knows nothing about.  And I'm talking LEGIONS OF THESE PEOPLE who smoke pot and have sex for a six-pack of Keystone and draw down welfare like it's nobody's business.  These people BUY books.

In the blog post I linked above, an industry professional has "testimonies" from other industry professionals pointing out how a prologue is bad.  Maybe it is.  But here's something that I find VERY interesting...it was only this year that even Nathan Bransford decided to read the Harry Potter books. Don't believe me? Go check out his blog. And he's a middle-grade writer.  How could you not read the work of the best-selling writer in your genre until after you started to work on your second book?

My point is that the industry professionals are late in the game when it comes to buying books...yet they have all of this advice on how to write one for the masses so that it will sell?  J.K. Rowling's career by the time Nathan Bransford even bothered to look at it was bigger than Jupiter.  In other words...he only read it because EVERYONE ELSE in the world had read the books.  How come no one ever has testimonies from Joe Martin...the bum on the street corner that has a copy of James Patterson's latest published 'fiction-factory' CRAP?  Ask him..."Hey...do you read prologues?"

I could ask my friend Melissa...she has a high school education and works in a call center and reads vampire books.  She reads everything in the book...EVERYTHING.  That means she reads the prologue, the epilogue and the author's notes in the back.  I do too.  I read all fifty pages of Neil Gaiman's epilogue and I read every single one of George R.R. Martin's prologues.

Was I asked if I read a prologue? Nope.  But if I had been asked I'd say "Yes I do!"  But they like to quote things like, "No one reads a prologue." Hmmm...I must be a no one then.

But industry professionals were asked, and their opinions solicited.  My question is why?  THEY ARE NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF THE MASSES.  The only star on their resume is that they are in control.  But being in control does not make you a sample of the general population.  President Barack Obama is in control of the United States.  But is his lifestyle the same as yours? As mine?  I'm thinking he probably lives a lot better, has better healthcare, has some...I dunno...RESOURCES and probably doesn't have to worry about trying to afford medicated shampoo for dermatitis.  It's like having a black person on trial and then selecting a jury of all white people and saying "THESE ARE YOUR PEERS" to the black person.  Like WTF?! Really?!

Listen here, Vick!  We dogs are your peers. We know WHAT
IS BEST FOR YOU AND WHAT YOU LIKE TO READ!
WE ARE THE PROFESSIONALS and make a living doing
this so you'd better darn listen to us or you'll be sorry.

So yeah...publishing is a catch-22.  Crap sells.  But if you write crap that people like...it won't make it past the gatekeeper who is ashamed of your BAG OF DUNG.  So, somehow in all of the stuff that you've got to keep straight...you need to slip past the gatekeeper with your crap by making it good enough for the snobs, yet have it still be appealing enough to those that buy the crap enmasse.  I wonder how many vampire manuscripts are being turned down simply because the agent "Is tired of seeing vampire stories" when in fact, my girl Melissa wants more and more and there are tons of girls just like her out there wanting more.  They want hot, sexy vampires with perfect bodies willing to sink their teeth into them.  But yeah...there are some "industry professionals" that are turning this down because supposedly "the trend is over".  WHATEVER.  They just want it to be over and are hoping that because they are in control, that they can influence mass opinion and prove themselves right.

Interesting AND a headache.  I have just five words for all of that advice:

OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY.

In Writing The About You Section Of The Query Letter

A great response might be...

And just like that, you'll have an agent :)

Have a great weekend. >,<

Burning Man

Burning Man was held this last week near the town of Black Rock City, Nevada. For those of you who don't know what it is, from everything that I've read about it...all seem to agree that it is a festival for the "tragically hip".

Now...you won't find a definition online of "tragically hip".  It's only two words but they say a lot.  I have wrestled in my "writer/authorial" mind as to how I would define the condition of "tragically hip".  In a discussion that I had with my friend James, we came up with this definition:

Tragically hip ==> When a person is so artistic, so completely creative, that their talent strangles them. It makes them "weird" to normal folk.  And this end result is "tragic".  Think of people with horns implanted in their heads, teeth filed into those of a reptile and tattoos that cover all of their body.

Thus, Burning Man is made for the "tragically hip".

Do you agree with my definition?

Take a look at some of these pictures taken at Burning Man and posted online.

Very organized parking

Insecure Writers Support Group Post 1

I joined the Insecure Writer's Support Group that is hosted by Alex J. Cavanaugh over at his blog.  I am number 76. I should have waited one more for 77 as 1977 is the year that Star Wars was unleashed upon the world.

Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!

Posting: The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Post about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. Visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer.

So what am I insecure about?

I wrote a book where the hero of the story (protagonist) is gay.  I'm a little insecure that people will judge it for that instead of judging it for what it should be--a science-fiction story wherein the main character simply likes boys instead of girls.  The sexuality part of the story is really underplayed... back burner if you will...to what is actually going on in the world I created.  My protag starts out in the first book as a high school kid.  He plays ice hockey and is really good at math.  My book has Langrangian calculus in it (well the second book does--by then he's a student at Cornell University) and the use of a particle collider is essential to the plotline.  By that time, he happens to have a boyfriend and their relationship is healthy.  They don't get beaten to death by bigots, Jordan's teammates respect him, and he doesn't have a flamboyant personality.  This is because their relationship is NOT the story.  However, the whole "sexuality" thing is such a hotspot that I think the issues in identifying a character in a story as being gay can threaten to BECOME the entire story and I don't like that.

Example:  when word got out through some social contacts in the city in which I reside, a woman whom I barely know wanted me to speak at PFLAG about my book.  I thought the request was silly and I declined. The people that go to those "meetings" are not looking for fiction recommendations.  When they want fiction, they know where to go and find it.  In other words, a speaking engagement at PFLAG is not my audience at all (Star Trek convention would be far more appropriate).  They want memoirs that detail struggle and "Ra Ra Ra Equal Rights For All! Ra Ra Ra Equal Rights For All!" I was a little flabbergasted that there was such a huge disconnect...I could imagine myself saying, "Okay my book is science-fiction.  My one sentence pitch is that it's Schrodinger's Cat with hockey sticks, glass spiders, and monsters from the id.  Any questions?"

One of three people in attendance raises hand.

"Yes?"

They ask, "What inspired you to write this book?"

I think about it... "Mmm probably J.J. Abrams."

They look questioningly at me, "Is that a gay person that got traumatized by bigots in Wyoming?  Can you tell us about that?"

I stare back uncomfortably..."Mmm, no...it's a movie director."

The second person asks a question.  "What trauma in your life led you to write this book and how did you rise above it."

My answer, "I got a "D" in a biology course in college and it traumatized me so I switched majors to English and got an "A". Now I write. Any more questions?"

Strange looks from the three people in attendance that look like this ==> O.o

So yeah...that is my insecurity.  I guess my dream would be to find acceptance with science-fiction nerds who dig the story when it is published in 2013 instead of people who march on Washington and are looking for injustice to champion.  Don't get me wrong...I think championing injustice is a fanastic thing but it has little to do with a debut author who just wants to sell his science-fiction books.

Breaking Bad

I heard so much buzz on the internet about the AMC show, "Breaking Bad" that I dove into season one this weekend.  Needless to say, I was back at Barnes & Noble on Labor Day buying seasons two and three on Blu-ray.  This show is absolutely riveting.

Breaking Bad follows the story of a brilliant chemist who, at the age of 50, doesn't have a whole lot going on in his life.  He chose to teach high school but many of his students are portrayed as ungrateful good-for-nothings who drive rich cars and just want to hook up with each other.  Meanwhile Walter White (the protagonist) at age 50 has got a younger wife who is pregnant, and a handicapped son that gets teased a lot in high school.  He has a second job working at the car wash where he scrubs tires on the sports cars that some of his students drive and they take demeaning pictures of him on their cell phones to talk about him with each other.

This is Aaron in the persona of the meth junkie Jesse
Pinkman.  They really do a number on his appearance.

So into all of this, Mr. White gets terminal lung cancer. The doctors tell him he only has nine months or so to live.  The chemotherapy that might save his life costs $90,000 and his insurance won't cover it. Plus he'll be leaving his wife and only son with a mountain of medical bills for fighting his cancer (not to mention) a newborn daughter.  So what does the brilliant Mr. White do?

Well he seizes a unique opportunity.  His friend works at the D.E.A. and takes him along to observe a drug bust on a meth lab and he notices one of his former students escape from just having banged a woman in the house next door.  He says nothing.  He follows the former student home and points out that his partner (the cook for the meth lab) has been arrested thereby destroying his livelihood.  He offers to cook meth for the kid if he'll make him a partner in the business.  The kid agrees...flabbergasted that the teacher that flunked him wants to "Break Bad".

This is Aaron in real life. Big
difference as you can tell.

So Mr. White ends up cooking the purest meth ever.  And the crap that these two go through in episode after episode as they deal with cartel enforcers, drug distributors, and hide from the D.E.A. is unbelievable. I can't pull my eyes away.  Also Mr. White's partner, played by Aaron Paul, is a really good-lookin' fella that they have to dirty up for the show.  It's interesting because in some scenes he looks completely strung out but in others (like when he tries to go clean and actually get a job) he looks good but his education makes it impossible for him to earn a living with any dignity.

Things I saw in the first season that surprised me:

1) Lots of meth manufacturing.

2) Nudity.

3) Drug dealers not only killed, but dissolved in hydrofluoric acid that eats through a bathtub and crashes through a floor in a house. They literally have to scoop up the bloody soup of human body with a dustpan and brushes.

4) Incredible cleverness on behalf of the protagonist (and resourcefulness).  Jesse gets almost beaten to death and Mr. White faces off with a huge drug distributor and demands $50,000 from Tuco and manages to get it. I won't spoil how but it is mind-blowing. On top of that, Mr. White gets a deal to sell four pounds of meth to this guy a week.

5) The sheer destruction of a good man like Mr. White as he descends into a world of absolute filth. Yet he is protective of Jesse (sometimes) and it's clear that he doesn't want the boy to come to harm but he certainly doesn't go easy on him at all.  Sometimes Mr. White pushes him to murder which he is growing more comfortable with as the series progresses (the first time he murdered someone was really really hard for him).  But the other aspect that is amazing about this show is Mr. White's intellect. He is far beyond the primitive minds of the drug dealers that he has to do business with and because he knows his life is almost over, the risks he is willing to take are incredible.  And of course his marriage is falling apart because the life he is choosing to lead to cushion his wife and children with money is a secret one...and the secrets are pushing all of his loved ones away.

6) The acting in this show is Academy Award level. It seriously is that good.

This isn't a show for the young adult, smurf-loving, middle-grade fiction crowd. It's a show for adults. I'm an adult...I write adult fiction...and this adult show is absolutely amazing.  If you think of yourself as having adult tastes...you need to watch!

First Campaign Challenge

If you are here following the bread crumbs from Rachael's post on her blog today, thank you for visiting and I appreciate the attention. I'm posting my flash fiction piece for the first challenge here and I hope that you guys do the same because Rachael has a lot of nice prizes.  I was really excited to get the opportunity to help her with the campaign and when she contacted me by email, I started work right away organizing the 300 or so people that signed up to judge (wow what a turnout).  Plus Rachael is an amazing organizer. She had a whole google docs thing setup (if you haven't used it, I recommend it highly because it's like a word processor & spreadsheet that you don't have to pay for that anyone with a password can use).

Basically, our process for notifying judges is just going to be to go down the list that Rachael and I created this weekend and shoot off an email every ten signups on Rachael's blog...so one judge per ten people for round one.  Each judge will be responsible for visiting each of these ten blogs and making a decision on the flash fiction piece.  Five of the ten that they deem worthy shall go on to round two. Think of this as a kind of "tournament" style competition.

At round two, new judges will be called upon to narrow the selection for round three (the semi-finals).  From the semi-finalists we hope to find ten finalists and one grand prize winner.  Basically every person that makes it to the finals will get a prize but the best will go to the grand prize winner.

MY FLASH FICTION ENTRY WITH ADDED DIFFICULTY ELEMENTS:

The door swung open and the UPS man entered. 

I set down my coffee cup; the side of it read “Piss me off and face the consequences.”

I asked, “How many today?”

“Just the one.” He passed me the signature capture pad and I signed using the stylus.

“Can you spell that out for me?” he asked.

“M-A-R-I-A  F-E-N-W-A-Y” I said, enunciating each letter.

He typed it out and then tucked the brown pad under one arm.  I stared at his ass when he walked out.  The UPS guys were always in such good shape.  My partner walked in and put a folder on my desk.  “Pictures from the crime scene.  You might want to take a look and see if we missed anything.”

I nodded and took a sip of coffee.  I turned my attention to the box sitting on my desk and grabbed a pair of scissors.  I cut the tape and popped the lid open. Inside, I found a cooler.  Who the hell sends a person a cooler?

“Go stop that UPS guy,” I told Bill.  “Go now!”

He ran for the door.  I opened the box and found a human head inside.

The door swung shut.

It is exactly 200 words, uses both "the door swung open" and "the door swung shut" elements of the flash fiction piece (upped for difficulty as I think challenges are fun).

Happy Labor Day!