Thank You Amazon.com. I'm Such A Smart Shopper Now :)

I spent some time on Amazon.com, you know, looking at books and stuff when I recalled this article written by someone that said something akin to "reviews are important".  I dunno, maybe it was an agent prior to them turning into a writer once they got 1000 followers (seems to be the magic number where the crap you write suddenly becomes... marketable). Anyway, there I am...breathless...using Amazon.com when it occurs to me, hey, I should read these reviews. But before I continue...a little information is needed because I'm a little nutty.

It was $39.95. I hit the "Like" button

So my weekend project was going to be to look after a bulldog that looks more like a large pig and to build a time-machine in my brother's backyard. In order to do that, I thought that I'd better start with some Uranium-235 (not for the pig...err I mean dog). I went on to Amazon.com and found a really good deal here.  Then I started to look at the reviews...you know, let the buyer beware and all that.  I is a smart writer mmkay?

User Patrick wrote a review that said, "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty." When I read this, my heart sunk. Thank you user Patrick. I might have bought this shoddy uranium in a can. Afterall, there's no expiration date.

Kyle wrote, "The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was buying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller doesn't run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker."  Well as long as the stuff is competitive in the global market, maybe I'll give this guy a shot, ya know? 

 

The transformation was almost instantaneous!

I lost 10 pounds, grew 2 cup sizes and my

hair fell into soft bouncy curls. I no longer feel

inclined to hide my insecurities behind

ciggarettes, beer, foul language and belching.

Thank you, Three Wolf Moon!

Next on my list was The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Tee for $11.95. I wanted to see how it would look on me so I went ahead and clicked on the pictures that people had loaded to see it live and in action.  I found the picture at left. 

I was so sold on it. I also bought one for my friend Tomeka. I know she's going to love it.

But even if you weren't sold on it, they also had the one that is obviously tailored to the Christian market. This is awesome, I can appease all of my lady friends and my Christian friends with this one product.

Thank you Three Wolf Moon!

Now I have not one, but three

Jesus in my life every day.

I still watch Bugs Bunny, and you know, after spending the afternoon with a client that wanted to look for pictures of her dead rabbit, I thought why the hell not get my own dead rabbit? Afterall, hossenfeffer stew sounds delcious. I went looking to see if could buy some fresh whole rabbit.

M. Rosen's review was invaluable as far as this rare delicacy goes.  

"Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot."



$149.99--garbage? or genius?

I'm glad I came to the right place.

But the greatness didn't stop there.  I found a prized UFO detector just in time for Alyson's post over at Paranormal Pursuits. Additionally, there's the International Space Station flying over California right now. Maybe my new doodad could help me avoid aliens...you know...the kind that don't pick the tomatoes.

Here's the review:

"I, as a resonable and trUstworthy hUman, do not gleep nerp this ungood prodUct. Bad it is for Us hUmans to purchase and operate this online pUrchasable prodUct.

As the person from Earth that I am, I think that all of my other fellow hUmans on Earth should immediately disUse and florgnify this Utterly Zorglefran, I mean bad item for bUying. Ha Ha. I am laughing with hUmor with the funny word I made up with my typing that I am not doing by direct thought extraction, and instant data transmission to Amazon.com website. Ha Ha. That was highly hUmoroUs and glerp.

UFO detectors are so dUmb because all humans from Earth like the one I am, know that we I mean they do not even exist! Ha Ha

Besides even if the alien friends did exist, who minds occassional anal probe for benefit of aliens that don't exist glerp science! I, as a resonable and trustworthy human person from Earth sure wouldn't mind helping our fUtUre overlords!
Do not bUy this prodUct."

Peter Griffin...note the shape of his
chin.

Last but not least, I was really hoping to find a bargain on a rubber scrotum. I've got this Family Guy fetish...you know...and well Peter's chin looks like a scrotum, right? (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) I know I know...it's okay to come out with it...there are so many of us in denial that yes...that is indeed a scrotum drawn on the end of Peter Griffin's chin.



A frickin bargain for $151.01 and it's in
stock!

But could Amazon.com come through for me?  Oh yes they can dear madam (or sir if I'm counting the three guys that visit my blog). I know you want a picture of it so yeah...I'm including one for your viewing pleasure.

But is it worth the money?  Again...the reviews:

Wendy Shearer writes, "Not only a wonderful teaching model, but while trying to find the tumors, I discovered, it acts as a makeshift stress ball! When I am in line at the grocery store I just whip out this handy little bugger and squeeze away....the line around me just dissapears...what an effective little doo dad!"

Wow! It only gets better:

User Tony gives this product five stars and says, "Finally, a rubber scrotum that I can use for exam training purposes. My roommate was going "nuts" (pardon the pun) because I kept trying to use his. I wish he wasn't such a light sleeper. Oh well."

The devil is in the details people.  Read the reviews!

Have a great weekend. XOXO :)

Establish A Goal and Stick To It

I Haz Cheezburger

<== This is Donna Simpson. She's from New Jersey and has a unique goal in life. She wants to be the fattest woman in the world (not making this up). She already weighs over 600 pounds and has set her sight on the big 1K.  Yes, you read that right, she really does want to weigh 1,000 pounds.

If you wanted to, you could follow her progress here (note that the link is not suitable for work). It's a website for anyone that wants to watch her eat for a fee. It's basically how she pays for the $750.00 a week food bill she generates. She's 42-years-old and diligently eats 12,000 calories a day.

Gobble! Gobble!

However, on days like Christmas, she goes "all out".  In two hours, she ate approximately 30,000 calories for her Christmas feast. It consisted of two 25-pound turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 15-pounds of potatoes (10-pounds roasted and 5-pounds were mashed), five-pounds of herb stuffing, four-pints of gravy, four-pints of cranberry dressing, 20-pounds of vegetables, and a "salad" made of marshmallows, cream cheese, whipped cream, and cookies. Sounds yummy doesn't it?  I know...I too want to go out to eat now.

So what do we learn about our craft oh writers of the world?  What does the great (pun intended) Donna Simpson have to teach us?

This x 2

1) Well duh...this woman knows how to set goals and follow through with them. You know how professionals recommend that you're supposed to write a certain amount every day?  Well she eats a certain amount every day keeping that eye on the prize (or being the fattest woman in the world in her case). She's basically a writer...only she eats her manuscript instead of writing it.

2) That creating buzz about yourself works. She's all over the internet now and has a goal to be picked up by a reality t.v. show. I mean, like, isn't this how America operates? Oh how did anything function without Facebook and Twitter (deep sigh).

So yeah...learn from Donna Simpson and set your writing goal and stick to it!

New Jersey is such an awesome place. First it gave us The Jersey Shore and now this. I can only wonder at the things New Jersey will offer us in the future :)..

Are you gonna eat that?

Something Y'all Need!

My friend Lynn found this for me. You know that you seriously can't

live without this, right? Soooo classy.  The fact that this was invented

truly restores my faith in American ingenuity.  All this needs is a

commercial with a musical score done to Johnny Cash or Eminem ala

Chrysler and/or Jeep.

Price Tag and Another Blogger Award :)

This song has a really good message. I hope you listen to it.
Here are the lyrics for Price Tag by Jessie J. featuring B.O.B. (in case you want to sing along)

Seems like everybody's got a price,

I wonder how they sleep at night.

When the sale comes first,

And the truth comes second,

Just stop, for a minute and

Smile

Why is everybody so serious?

Acting so damn mysterious

You got your shades on your eyes

And your heels so high

That you can't even have a good time.

Everybody look to their left (yeah)

Everybody look to their right (ha)

Can you feel that (yeah)

Well pay them with love tonight...

[Chorus:]

It's not about the money, money, money

We don't need your money, money, money

We just wanna make the world dance,

Forget about the Price Tag

Ain't about the (ha) Ka-Ching Ka-Ching.

Ain't about the (yeah) Ba-Bling Ba-Bling

Wanna make the world dance,

Forget about the Price Tag.

We need to take it back in time,

When music made us all UNITE!

And it wasn't low blows and video Hoes,

Am I the only one gettin... tired?

Why is everybody so obsessed?

Money can't buy us happiness

Can we all slow down and enjoy right now

Guarantee we'll be feelin

All right.

Everybody look to their left (yeah)

Everybody look to their right (ha)

Can you feel that (yeah)

Well pay them with love tonight...

[Verse 3: B.o.B]

Yeah yeah

Well, keep the price tag

And take the cash back

Just give me six streams and a half stack

And you can keep the cars

Leave me the garage

And all I...

Yes all I need are keys and garage

And guess what, in 30 seconds I'm leaving to Mars

Yes we leaving across these undefeatable odds

It's like this man, you can't put a price on life

We do this for the love so we fight and sacrifice everynight

So we ain't gon stumble and fall never

Waiting to see, a sign of defeat uh uh

So we gon keep everyone moving there feet

So bring back the beat and everybody sing

It's not about...

[Chorus x2]

[Outro: Jessie J]

Yeah yeah

Oo-oooh

Forget about the price tag.

I received the super prestigious One Lovely Blog Award from Deborah Walker’s Bibliography and Pen, Paper, and Lots of Coffee (the awesome blog of Heather Hellman-Heather's was like a day earlier). And if any of you think that this isn’t prestigious…well that’s cause you don’t have one so na na na na na.

Anyway, in the words spoken to Peter Parker by his uncle right after he became Spiderman, “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility.”  So, after I’m done flexing the new super-powers that this award has bequeathed upon me, I’m responsible for passing it on to other unsuspecting victims (err…I mean winners!)

1.) Accept your award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has sent it to you. 

2.) Pass the award to 10 other blogs that you have newly discovered. 

3.) You must contact the person to let them know that you have chosen them to receive the award.

Please check the following blogs if you don’t already do so (all my snarky wit aside, they really are quite good).

1) D.U. Okonkwo (London writer).



Joshua Jackson

2) Fringe look-a-like David Powers King.  Seriously, does he not look like Peter Bishop played by Joshua Jackson.  Take a look at the picture on his blog and compare it to the one that I've linked on the right side here.

3) The Open Vein.

4) Writing Unleashed. This is Laura's blog and she could definitely use more followers. I promise, her blog is extremely informative.  I'm not just chain-lettering this thing around but took time to think about who my recipients are.

5) Steph in the City.

6) Shelley F. Batt .

7) Confessions of a Watery Tart. She's a former Idaho spud.

8) Alyson and her Paranormal Blog.

9) S.M. Schmidt and her non-sequitur non-sequitorial-ness.

10) Lucinda Bilya and her Missing Link in Writing.  She needs more followers so please, if you go to any of these, consider checking out Lucinda's...she has only three people reading her work :/

Seven Easy Steps To Pretentious Writing:

There's nothing better than pretentious writing, right? And it's surprisingly easy to do at home. To illustrate this, I'm going to use a poem. If you follow my example, before long, you'll be writing pretentiously for readers and writers alike!

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet,

And so are you.

Step One: Add old time words nobody uses in real life

Roses doth be red,

Err violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet,

Thus so art thou.

Step Two: Add complex terms for simple words

Grandifloras doth be damask,

Err viola are azurite,

Sugar is ambrosial,

Thus so.

Step Three: Add some foreign words and italicize them

Grandifloras doth be damask,

Err Viola are azurite,

Tener azucar ambrosial,

Thus so art thou.

Step Four: Add something technological so people realize you’re living in a new age

Grandifloras doth be damask,

Err Viola ping azurite,

Tener azucar ambrosial,

Thus thou art interfaced.

Step Five: Add some other modern stuff such as abbreviations and slang

OMG Grandifloras doth B damask,

Err Viola ping azurite,

Tener azucar ambrosial,

Thus thou RT interfaced sandwich girl.

Step Six: Mix up the line endings

OMG Grandifloras

Doth B

Damask, err

Viola ping

Azurite, tener azucar

Ambrosial,

Thus

Thou

RT interfaced

Sandwich girl.

Step Seven: Take out the punctuation

OMG Grandifloras

Doth B

Damask err

Viola ping

Azurite tener azucar

Ambrosial

Thus

Thou

RT interfaced

Sandwich girl

There you go. One gloriously pretentious poem in seven easy steps.

Real Hogwarts, Tire Serial Killers, Captain America's Red Skull, & Dr. Seuss

Because I like to write and read sci-fi, speculative fiction, urban fantasy, fantasy, dark fantasy...(holy crap, how many times can publishers repackage the same thing and call it something different?) I thought I'd make today's post about what's going on in the sci-fi universe (please...please...hold the applause.  There's no need to thank me).

Without further adieu, a real-world wizarding school wants to make you the next Harry Potter (minus the scar and a wizard that wants to kill you). The Grey School of Wizardry is accepting students that are 12 years old and above.

Now, they're not even trying to remotely disguise the influence J.K. Rowling had (or the fact that she's one of the richest people in the world--never forget that greed is the biggest motivator!) on them. Students will be separated into virtual "houses" based upon the classical elements of earth, air, water, and fire and the classes are inexpensive (which is good because this whole thing is basically a con). Students 18 years and older pay $60 plus a level-up fee for each level of accomplishment (since it's online I wonder if there's a 'ding' sound that's made when you level up).

It's not entirely based on J.K. Rowling though. Rather, its roots are focused on many of the traditions of Wicca.  They claim to be a secular institution of learning, not a religious one. There's some talk on non-scientifically-proven methods of study such as learning about herbs, psychic stuff, chakra, auric, chromatotherapy, pranic, distance, gemstone, and herbal healing modalities. 

The bonus you may ask? Well if you believe in Santa Clause, leprechauns, unicorns, goblins, wear magnets for health, and think vampires are real then you will connect with others that genuinely share that interest and develop a kind of mutual aid society (while a third party empties your wallet). However, you never know. Someday a diploma from this place might be considered a mighty education in America (from where things seem to be headed)--but I digress...

Oh how a Redneck caption would so work

right now. "Baby, you look finer than a

new set of snow tires!"

A trailer for a bizarre horror pic named Rubber is making the rounds through the internet. My friend William first alerted me to it but I was left speechless at how or why this thing was even being made. But I guess it may just become a full blown motion picture (or that's the rumor).

Essentially, think of a tire as a serial killer and you've got the picture of what's going on here.  Terrifying? Creepy? or just stupid? It has to be better than the movie Mega Python vs. Gatoroid starring former teen pop princesses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany (oh how the mighty career has tanked). Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber would do well to learn to put away the monies now and just say 'no' when the SyFy channel comes a knockin' in ten years.


The black really brings out Hugo's eyes don't you

think?


Hugo Weaving ala the Matrix saying the infamous line "Mr. Anderson" is now going to be the Red Skull for the upcoming Captain America movie.  For those of you that never saw the Matrix (most women I'd imagine) then he would be Arwen's dad Elrond Lord of Rivendell (no one could avoid the Precioussss) in the Lord of the Rings movie blockbuster by skinny Peter Jackson. Here's the first look of Hugo in full costume...I think he looks awesome myself. I'm not showing Cap cause he's buff and beautiful and some bodybuilder that will get swooned over I'm sure.

The Sci-Fi Influence of Dr. Seuss:

I only wish I found something this cool in the basement.

This week marked the 107th birthday of Dr. Seuss!  Here's Clark from One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish.  All that is known about him is that some little kids found him in the dark and he will grow and grow. That...and he's a smiling walrus which is all kinds of scifantastcutonderful<== I made this word up...Yes, I'm that smart. I can create words.

Also, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were proof that Dr. Seuss (like Jules Verne) could see the future of America (and the crystal meth drug epidemic) through his "sci-fi"-ish "Cat in the Hat".  I can hear his words, "These are your kids on meth...any questions?"

I think I saw a pair of these in my city, knocking on doors.

Have a wonderful weekend :)

Free Speech, Anonymous, and Hate Groups



If you spend enough time researching these guys

you find out they hate just about everyone

including over one billion Chinese people who

finance our national debt.

As writers, free speech is really important.  However, is there a point where free speech should be curtailed?

Yesterday, as most everyone knows already, the Roberts led Supreme Court decided that the hate group known as the Westboro Baptist Church could continue their protests at soldier's funerals, etc. Here's the link to the New York Times article.

Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and — as it did here — inflict great pain...But under the First Amendment...we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker.” Instead, the national commitment to free speech, he said, requires protection of “even hurtful speech on public issues to ensure that we do not stifle public debate.”


These protestors believe that God is

punishing America for a growing

acceptance of homosexuality.

I side with Justice Alito (the lone dissenter) when he said, "Our profound national commitment to free and open debate is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case."

The case he's talking about regards Matthew Snyder who was killed in Iraq in 2006 and whose funeral was protested by the Westboro Baptist Church. His father sued the group in 2006 and won $11 million in damages. (The figure was later reduced to $5 million by a judge.) But in the 8-1 ruling on Wednesday, the Court said the church could not be held liable for inflicting emotional distress on the families of deceased soldiers. The justices said the speech was protected because the protests were on a matter of public concern, on public property and conducted in a peaceful manner.

Alito noted in his dissent, however, that the father of the soldier was not a public figure, but "simply a parent" who wanted to "bury his son in peace." Alito said the father suffered "severe and lasting emotional injury" as a result of the church's "malevolent verbal attack." He added that such vicious verbal attacks that make "no contribution to public debate" are not protected when they inflict "severe emotional injury on private persons at a time of intense emotional sensitivity."

Well, I agree with Justice Alito and I think what happened yesterday quite frankly, was bullshit. I do want to hear what you guys have to say on the matter though, so if anything, please leave a comment with regard to this question: Do you think that First Amendment Rights should be upheld for hate groups like the Westboro Baptist church in picketing the funerals of dead soldiers? Not that any of our opinions matter anyway...it'll just be an interesting read to see what you all have to say on this.

Above is a video of an interview between Shirley Phelps and a source from the infamous Anonymous Hacker group in which I was amused and honestly proclaimed, "Bravo!" to Anonymous.  I know they're a criminal organization but there's this strange part of me that sees them as a twisted version of a modern day Robin Hood...committing crime yes...but kind of standing up for the little guy (meaning you and I) by using the tools and intellect available to them.  As a writer, I think this organization is fascinating and my brain churns at the kinds of characters that might be involved with this group.