The Secret Of The Ninja Revealed!

Aye grasshopper. If you are reading these words right now, you are truly blessed, for you have come to the place where I, Shidoshi Offutt, shall pass on the incredible knowledge I have gathered of the secret lore of the ninja!

DISCLAIMER: Before beginning this or any other exercise program, consult your physician to make sure you are healthy enough to participate.

Do not be fooled. This is one ninja using his powers to
appear as many.

For many of these exercises, you will need a partner. A large stuffed animal (given back to you by an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend) works wonderfully. You could even dress up a stuffed animal by pinning a rejection letter to the front. Anything, really to get you inspired.  But please, do not use real life human beings.  The art of the ninja is the mastery of death! And because you're not O.J., killing someone just might land you in prison :( and it's hard to write in prison my colleagues.  Oh and remember, time is of the essence. Otherwise, you may miss your FaceBook and Twitter updates. Keep in mind that clothing should be loose and non-binding (guys go commando at your own peril).

For the first 45 seconds, deep breathing exercises and stretches. This will involve bending down and picking up your cell phone. You drop it 100 times a day anyhow, so we aren’t breaking any new ground just yet.

Get your breath, and stand at the side of the bed. Jump as hard as you can backwards, and kick your feet up at an imaginary target at eye level. Backwards is key here, otherwise, you will end up with a bleeding face and possibly a broken leg. For a change of pace, replace the bed with a futon, with or without a mattress.

Ninja speed reflexes are legendary. For one minute and thirty seconds, drop a dollar bill out of your hand, and try to catch it before it hits the ground. To improve your reflexes, make it a $20 bill.

Ninja fingers can punch through just about anything. But to get there, you must build-up the strength in your fingers to such a degree that even Pai Mei from Kill Bill Volume 2 would be rendered speechless at a demonstration of your power!

Writers are ideal candidates for ninja school because of the incredible muscles you’ve built up in your fingers from years and years of writing stuff that sucks (just ask roguemutt). Take out some old manuscripts that you know are never going to get published, couple them with some rejection letters and thrust your fingers through ten pages at first, increasing to twenty pages overtime, and so on and so forth until you are able to ninja punch your way to the last page of your manuscript.

Ninjas are the masters of many incredible moves!

We are almost done, but you must master the art of the throwing star. I suggest that you begin by picking up a book that you absolutely think is terrible. Roguemutt again, can recommend several. Grab said book firmly at the binding and toss it at your practice dummy across the room until you can bean it in the head.

For the last exercise, practice jumping over a moving vehicle. For beginners, a neighbor’s kid on a tricycle is considered to be a moving vehicle. Advanced jumpers can move on up to Big Wheels, sorority girls on bicycles, and pizza delivery drivers. Remember to add a few feet of clearance because of the leet pizza car signs that strap to the top of the car.

Hee hee  <3 to all the ninjas out there. I dedicate this post to you, Dustin Townley, you real-life ninja you.

Till next week my friends, I leave you with my favorite song right now by Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina called "Stereo Love".

Was Mace Windu More Powerful Than Yoda?

I purchased Star Wars: The Clone Wars seasons one and two on blu-ray disk and started watching them over the weekend. Done by Cartoon Network, these are quite simply, incredible. I mean, the dialogue could be a little better and is pretty much dumb-downed for a "young adult" audience but it's more than made up by the amount of detail and animation that is shown on the screen. 

Example, I can see reflections on chrome lightsabers that adjust with body movement! In one battle, Luminara Undulee (one of the Jedi Masters and probably my favorite amongst the minor characters) got burned by a steam vent while in a duel with Asagi Ventress (she's the Sith apprentice to Count Dooku) and I could see that one of her eyes was a little red and inflamed.  I thought to myself...wow...they really put detail into this. I mean, even on the clone troopers you can see different scarring and dirt on the armor and helmets.

So yeah, it got me thinking about Episode III: Revenge of the Sith--it's the movie that brought everything full circle in the Star Wars universe and gave us Luke and Leia, showed us how Yoda and Obi-Wan learned how to become force ghosts etc.  It also caused me to contemplate the burning questions which I present to you, my fellow nerds of the blogosphere. 

Was Mace Windu more powerful than Yoda?

Here's all that I know from watching the movies.

1. Palpatine threw Force lightning at Yoda during the initial part of their fight, whilst doing his typical villain monologue. Now. This should've given enough time for Yoda to prepare. Yoda was nailed by the lightning and sent flying across the room, and was knocked temporarily unconscious.

2. Yoda got up and "Force-pushed" Palpatine across the room, where he flipped over his desk. Palpatine got RIGHT BACK up. I believe his endurance is greater than Yoda. Their both old men, though.

3. Palpatine (remember, he said in the movie "all who gain power are afraid to lose it" - he didn't know if he could take Yoda. So what did he do? He tried to run. Yoda was quicker to the door and confronted him. Realizing he couldn't escape - he STOOD and FOUGHT. Notice he did NOT try to escape after that.

4. Palpatine HELD OFF YODA. Yoda went on the offensive. He was looking to KILL Palpatine - NOT vice versa. Well, Palps was on the defensive. Yoda was on the offensive. YODA was the one looking to cut Palpatine. And he didn't succeed.

5. So the fight went into the Senate Chamber. Palpatine switched to the offensive. He was chucking Senate pods left and right at Yoda. Yoda's pretty agile - and dodged them all. Then he threw one back - but had a difficult time doing so. Palpatine was laughing - notice this. At the time, he wasn't taking Yoda seriously. His mistake. Palpatine lept out of the way just as the pod closed in on him.

6. Yoda pursued Palpatine and closed in on him - but Palpatine also went on the offensive and fired Force lightning. They were both closing on each other. Yoda was holding Palpatine's lightning at bay - and Palpatine was continuing to hurl it - and both were struggling to keep these feats up. Yoda threw the lightning back at Palpatine who flipped over the Senate pod. Yoda is obviously much smaller than Palpatine - and went flying in return.

Now.

Previously in a battle with Mace Windu, Palpatine killed three Jedi Masters in three seconds. This is an impressive feat that I'm reminding you of before you come to a decision. Do remember that even the book and EU material states these three - such as Kit Fisto - to be excellent duelists and worthy of their title as Jedi Masters. So. Basically - he took down THREE Jedi Masters - the equivelant to a Sith Lord - and cut them down in three seconds. By himself.

Maul couldn't do this. Dooku couldn't do this. And Anakin couldn't do this.

I don't have proof that Palpatine orchestrated the fight between him and Mace. All I know is, Palpatine's manipulations and skills at orchestration are far greater than Yoda or Mace could ever dream of. So maybe he purposely lost to Mace. Or maybe he didn't.

But if he didn't, Mace Windu beat Palpatine and had him on the ground and withstood a full volley of force lightning by himself. The only reason Mace Windu lost was because Anakin walked in and backstabbed him.

So what do you guys think? Is Mace Windu more powerful than Yoda?

The Science of LCD

Ever wonder how an LCD monitor works?

Click the YouTube video above and find out. It's actually really amazing.

Party On A New York Subway

I guess on February 16th of this year sometime in the wee hours of the morning, three singers known only as Xelle got on this moving train in New York and did a single take of their song "Party Girl".  The result, in my humble opinion, was incredible. It makes me want to move to New York City knowing that this stuff happens at random and despite the fact that bedbugs are everywhere and the cost of living is incredibly high.

Also from the comments on the YouTube video, keep in mind that I guess it is very difficult to stand in a moving subway car let alone do what these singers managed to pull off.

Knowledge Is Power

 Happy Monday :)

Spiders

I found all these really cool pictures of spiderweb encased trees in Pakistan. I guess that there's been so much flooding there that the spiders which normally live on the ground have escaped to the trees to survive so nearly all vegetation is crawling with them. I think I'd be really creeped out if I saw trees that looked like this in my neighborhood.

Additionally, I came across this article that talked about spider silk and how it's actually stronger than kevlar and way more flexible. It took the silk harvested from a million golden orb spiders in order to make this tapestry but it looks beautiful.

A close-up of the detail on the tapestry.



One of the workers making the silk



These are the orb spiders that produce the cloth.

Finally, this is a picture of a new kind of orb spider discovered in Madagascar. It has a diameter of five to six-inches. I would hate to be walking in the dark and accidentally step into this web.

I can see why spiders are so popular as monsters. J.R. Tolkien used them for Ungoliante and his broodlings. Stephen King used one for his monster in IT. Do you use spiders in your writing?

Tomorrow Is The 2-Hour Camelot Premiere

I'm a huge fan of King Arthur stuff. So I guess my blog today is a reminder to everyone that shares my enthusiasm that Camelot by Starz is going to air tomorrow with a two-hour premier. I'm already set to record it just in case something comes up (like surprise parents rolling into town) etc., that may seek to pry me away from being planted in front of the television.

I've become a real couch potato. It's wierd...I never thought I'd be THIS into television. But in my defense, I think that television these days has a ton to offer. I think I prefer television over movies unless its the summer season and all the huge hits are coming out...then yeah...I like movies better.  There's just no competing with 3D and DBOX (I may blog about DBOX later in case you have no idea what that is).

Above is the second trailer to the very "adult" version of this tale. I want to say, "Finally! A proper R-rated show here." I mean, hats off and all that to all the clean singing cartoon versions of this story but I think I'm ripe for a little skin and some nice adult situations. So yeah, if you're gonna watch it...I think the kids should be in bed.

At left is Arthur and the actress that plays Morgana. I'm pretty sure we can expect Morgana to have some nude scenes and probably Arthur will be showing some skin too (programs usually are conservative on the guys).  However, the show's producers are the same that brought us Spartacus: Blood and Sand so most likely, nudity will be splashed on the screen as much as it is in that show.

Next up is Joseph Fiennes who's taking the role of Merlin. You may know his last name from another Fiennes who plays Voldemort in the Harry Potter films (although he looks like a dude with no nose in those films I guess cause it makes him serpent-like or something akin to that). Interesting that two Fiennes are carrying such powerful wizards to the silver screen.

I kind of wonder why they chose to make him bald. Maybe in this particular rendition of the tale using and channeling all that magic causes you to lose your hair.

Anyway, I hope someone out there will watch this so that you can be my Camelot gossip buddy (Gazes at S.M. Schmidt to pressure her into watching the show). Seriously ladies, if you don't mind a little adult content the manuscript can wait a night.  Put it off to the side...yes that's it...put the keyboard away Misha and come sit on the couch with the popcorn and enjoy yourself.  Sara, your next chapter of "Social Skills" can wait and so can all your friends on G.A.

I'M A LOVELY BLOGGER AGAIN (You should be jealous):

Ciara over at her blog recently gave me the One Lovely Blog Award again.  I already have a copy of it in my Awards section but I'm honored to receive it again :))) If you haven't stopped by Ciara's to say hi be sure to do so because she is amazing and her blog is indeed lovely. 

I bequeath the Award to T.D. McFrost and to Munir at her blog entitled Focus :) because these two are both overachievers and you really should check their blogs out.