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Thursday, April 26, 2012

When It's Time

Tuesday morning I drove up to my childhood home in Idaho Falls to put my mother in a care facility. Now that it's Wednesday night, and I'm writing this completely exhausted from two days of filling out paperwork, moving furniture, and setting up her room, I can tell you that this was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

My mother has been battling mental illness for years. My father had grown incapable of managing her meds and was at the end of his rope, ready to flee with a packed suitcase to lord knows where. He just couldn't take it anymore. And the process was physically exhausting. I hit the road for an eight-hour round trip and had my first care facility appointment at noon. Then another at 1:00. Then a break for lunch and mom's doctor at 3:00 where we asked her, "Do you believe it's time?" And she responded, "Yes."

So we picked out a place, and I got 100-pages of paperwork to fill out (I'm serious). Living will, resuscitation, medicare, insurance, supplemental, social...all kinds of questions. Then came the part where we had to set up the room. This included picking out furniture, moving a 300-pound solid wood dresser, dolls, things that would give my mother some peace in her new home. All the while she was yelling at us, cussing us out, wondering what the hell is going on.  Then she fell twice, once outside. My dad just sat on the couch in a "fugue" state and said "Your mother fell down." And then just left her there so that I could go and scoop her up. He refused to answer simple questions. "Which pillow do you think she would like?" His response, "I'm not going to answer questions about that. Your decision."

He washed his hands of even the simplest questions.

Long-term care insurance had been lost. They were buried in one of three shoeboxes filled with hundreds of paper receipts from voided checks that should have been thrown away to receipts for stuff he's bought in the last ten years. Pure chaos. He couldn't find the keys to his truck, couldn't find my mother's dentures, was pretty helpless really.

So my brother and I did it all. We got my mother's clothes labeled with sharpies, we bought  cleaning supplies and spit-shined all the furniture going over, we selected all the photographs for her door display so that the residents could see who she was and be curious, we put away her clothes, hung the pictures in her room, connected the television, got her set up for her meds to be delivered already in bubble packs directly from the pharmacy with speed pay, signed all the papers, and then took her there.

I got emotional driving her there. She thought we were going to iHop which is one of her favorite restaurants. When we ended up at the nursing home, she knew what this place was, despite all of her mental issues. So I cried...I tried to stop it, but I couldn't.

If you ever have to commit your mother to a facility, I know your pain. My mother loves me so much. Though most of her is gone, this is one of those milestones where you know that a loved one's life left on this earth has grown short. And despite this love, I couldn't take her home. She wanted to go home to the dog she loves, to the place where she was comfortable, and she isn't going to go home ever again. This facility is now her home. I had to move out of state to find a job. I can only visit twice a year because of vacation. And you simply cannot live in this country if you don't have a job. So there's a mandatory 40-hours of my week that is gone. And honestly, there's no way I could care for her even if I lived locally.

So yeah, this week has been hell. I'll remember it for the rest of my life. I think she'll make new friends and lead a healthier more social lifestyle so perhaps this will be a good fit. The home I put her in seemed like a really good one.

Anyway, if I haven't had time to visit your blogs this week, this is why. This is what I've been doing. I've got one more day to wrap up and finalize some things, take my mom to a doctor's appointment, and replace a phone that I dropped accidentally in the hot tub at the hotel I'm staying at. Sigh. When this week is over, it shall be a big relief.

42 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I do wonder whether I'm going to have to do something like this with my mother in the near future.

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  2. </3. I'm so sorry. I understand the how hard the separation is. My father lives across the ocean and at his age... ): it breaks my heart. You love her and you want what is best for her. You did the right thing.

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  3. This must be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do. You've done the best for her. You care and you needed to make the decisions for her.

    Take peace in that.

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  4. *hugs* I've thought about this over the years and dread the possibility. My mom is single and I'm already preparing to have her live with me at a certain point while we can handle it. Hopefully she won't have the mental problems, but just getting old will bring about issues.

    Just remember that your choice was out of love too.

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  5. Oh, Michael.

    My heart goes out to you as I type this with tears in my eyes. *big hug*

    Take care, sweetie, and know that I am thinking of you.

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  6. I'm so sorry, Michael. I can't imagine the stress and heartache. It's a good decision because you KNOW she'll be cared for by professionals. She will also have the company of others. I'm sure it will be an adjustment, but this is the best option for your family. Sending hugs to you...

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  7. Michael, I'm really sorry. It's hard when the parent-child relationship reverses, but you and your brother made the right decision. You're in my thoughts.

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  8. Thank you for sharing this post with all of us.

    My heart goes out to you and your family as you deal with all this. It is a difficult decision, but in the end you made the best of the situation, even though it hurts.

    Thoughts and best wishes to you and yours.

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  9. I can't imagine how painful that is for you. I thought I was having a bad week. Hugs.

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  10. Sorry for your situation, Michael. My heart goes out to you. </3

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  11. ugh, now i'm crying. I'm so sorry for you and for your Mom and the rest of your family. I've never had to do this for anyone i've been close to, and i really hope i won't ever have to. I'll keep you and your mom in my thoughts

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  12. Your mom sounds like she was/is a wonderful person and she's lucky to have you. It can be so hard when elderly parents aren't doing well and they are far away. The kids have to go back and forth, etc. I know it's exhausting, and hope you get a break soon. *many hugs*

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  13. That is a tough situation. Both of my grandmas died in nursing homes. I never went to see them because I lived too far away and they were so senile at that point they wouldn't have remembered me anyway. It's definitely not something I'm looking forward to going through with my mom.

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  14. What you did for your mother (loved her enough to do the right thing), you did also for your father, who is more emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted than you can imagine. A year or so ago, I had to do the same for my estranged husband who had renal failure with dementia. His family went awol. I have no words of wisdom...your situation is tough. And you're right, you mother will adjust and be happier and be in a healthier environment. Hugs to you.

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  15. Wow, that's so tough, Michael. Sounds like you handled it with love though. I think this moment is coming soon for my family too. Can't imagine the emotional toll it will take.

    ((hugs))

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  16. That sounds so stressful. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that/are going through that. Hugs via the interwebs.

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  17. You're a very good son. I remember the process of taking my grandmother to such a facility when I was younger. She was being neglected in a nursing home in her own state, so we drove her from Missouri to Indiana. I was in the back of the van with her the whole time, and it was so hard to reconcile my fond memories of grandma with the woman she'd become. The Alzheimer's had taken so much of her away. I remember stopping at a McDonald's to clean up an accident she'd had, and it was just...sad and hard. Me and my mom taking her into the bathroom, her not having a clue what was going on...I feel for you.

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  18. *hugs* I'm sorry to hear about this. It's never an easy decision, but you're a great son. :)

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  19. I wouldn't wish the pain you just went through on my worst enemy. Unfortunately, more and more of we baby boomers are going through this painful experience. You mentioned your brother, so I hope he was more helpful than mine, who showed up at Dad's funeral after not visiting for years and left without saying anything, or helping out with Mom in any way. You've done the right thing, and at the end of the day you can know in your heart that, painful though it was, you assumed responsibility for what needed to be done. In my mind, this is the definition of a hero. You are a good son. Your parents are fortunate to have you, even though it might be beyond them at this time to express it.

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  20. I really feel for you. That's a tough thing to have to do. I hope you take a bit of time for yourself and remember that you're doing the right thing. Your mom may not be in a state to thank you right now, but she knows you're doing well by her, and she'll always remember that.

    Take care of yourself, too, Michael.

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  21. That sounds really tough, but here's hoping it works out better for her, and the rest of the family.

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  22. My heart goes out to you and your family. I was part of putting my grandmother in her home, and it hurts to talk to her still and have her ask when she can go home.

    Thanks for the update.

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  23. Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your challenges. I know this must be a very challenging time for you and your brother. Take care of yourself.

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  24. Oh Michael... How horrid. This is something I can't even begin to fathom. Gosh, I'm so sorry that you have to be the one to step up and take care of all of this. You're such a great person. :/

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  25. We've been through a lot of that in the last couple of years (the death of my mother-in-law and both of my wife's paternal grandparents), so I know how it is. I wish there was something I could say, but there's really not. You just go through it as best you can.

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  26. This is one of those situations that no one would wish upon anyone, but it does happen. What you've shown, however, is an example (and reminder) to us all. Family first, brother. The rest of us can wait. :)

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  27. Michael, I'm really and truly sorry to hear about the week you're having.

    I'm the youngest of four children and my parents are transitioning into their elder years. There is nothing more painful and mentally altering than when you have to become the caregiver for your parents. It's not psychologically natural, and it just sucks.

    Getting old sucks. It takes a toll on everyone. My pop is nearly 70 and thinks he's 55. We've had the biggest challenge just trying to get him to slow down before he harms himself (or others... longer story). To make it worse, I live 9 hours away and feel useless most of the time.

    I'm good for a lecture, but that's about it. Not that I haven't or wouldn't travel back if need be, it's just they need help with the daily stuff now. And I just can't be there, which kills me.

    Anyway, my thoughts are with you and your family, buddy. It'll get easier once everyone adjusts and the dust settles. Even though I'm sure you couldn't see it any other way, it's extremely good of you to be there for them when they need you the most.

    Best,

    EJ

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  28. Michael, I'm really and truly sorry to hear about the week you're having.

    I'm the youngest of four children and my parents are transitioning into their elder years. There is nothing more painful and mentally altering than when you have to become the caregiver for your parents. It's not psychologically natural, and it just sucks.

    Getting old sucks. It takes a toll on everyone. My pop is nearly 70 and thinks he's 55. We've had the biggest challenge just trying to get him to slow down before he harms himself (or others... longer story). To make it worse, I live 9 hours away and feel useless most of the time.

    I'm good for a lecture, but that's about it. Not that I haven't or wouldn't travel back if need be, it's just they need help with the daily stuff now. And I just can't be there, which kills me.

    Anyway, my thoughts are with you and your family, buddy. It'll get easier once everyone adjusts and the dust settles. Even though I'm sure you couldn't see it any other way, it's extremely good of you to be there for them when they need you the most.

    Best,

    EJ

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  29. Hello, Michael. I'm so sorry to hear about this. You're a wonderful son for taking care of your mom, and your dad, just as they took care of you when you needed it. My dad and his sibilings are going through a similar thing with their parents. My grandma has Alzheimer's and my grandpa just couldn't take care of her anymore. Then he had two strokes and it was just awful. Now they both need special care. My heart goes out to you and your family. Wishing you many blessings!

    Hope you have a better weekend and happy A to Z.

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  30. Heart-wrenching to read, and many of us will have to deal with this sooner or later.

    It sounds like she will be well cared for, as her needs were being neglected at home.

    You're a good son to your mom. And that's all that matters.

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  31. Ah, Michael I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a real hug. I've been there and done that with my Dad. I know how much it hurts. I'll be thinking of you and sending warm thoughts.

    What facility is she at? Remember I'm from the IF area.

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  32. A huge hug from me, as well. My heart goes out to you -- my parents had to enter separate nursing homes precipitously, because of falls, and it was a wrenching process, and there is so much to do! May there be some measure of comfort in knowing you did the right thing.

    Take care of yourself.

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  33. I have no idea what to say. Can't think of anything that would make you feel better or that won't come off like I'm talking about myself when you're the one hurting. I refuse to say I feel for you or that I know how you feel because I can't know how you feel exactly. No matter what has happened to me.

    I just want you to know that I'm reading and that I care. That I'm here for comfort and that I've missed both your snarky and your beautiful comments. That I ache when I think of your tears and what it must have been like. That I really, really hope you didn't drop that 300 lb dresser on your foot.

    Hoping that last comment makes you smile a bit and not think that I'm unfeeling,
    Brooke

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  34. I'm so sorry. But the worst is over now, right? It gets better after this. Take care.

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  35. Your post is as beautiful as what you've done to care for your mother and father.

    These last few weeks, I've been spending some time in a hospital with a relative. Hospitals and care facilities are not places anyone wants to be, and yet there is love there, and compassion, and camaraderie. Sometimes being around others who are going through the same thing can help.

    Plus, there are always root beer floats.

    I am sending you a cyberhug and thinking positive thoughts for you.

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  36. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but I'm really glad that you posted about it so we know where you're at. What a terrible decision. You and your family are in my thoughts.

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  37. Michael, I'm sorry. I know she's been struggling. You've been struggling with her. There is no good solution at a time like this--just the best one from a variety of sad ones. You did the best you could in this situation.

    I hope you get to decompress this weekend.

    Take care. Thinking of you.

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  38. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It's such a weird feeling to have to take care of your parents. We had to put two of my grandparents into care facilities a few years ago due to health issues. It was hard at first but in the long run, it was better for them. My grandmother ended up loving her place-she made all kinds of friends and didn't want to leave (she moved back in with my uncle shortly before passing away.) It does get easier though. I bet your mom will end up making friends and being happy in her new home.

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  39. Oh, Michael darling, I'm so sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. You're a very good son who has come to the point in life when he must be a parent to his parents, and don't ever doubt that you're doing a splendid job of it.

    When I was a college student I had two summer jobs in nursing homes. I saw how many of the residents settled in and made good new friends. The women especially made a point of decorating their rooms with touches from their old homes. Odds are, once the place becomes familiar to your mother, she'll be more content and happy. I wish you and your family all the best.

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  40. God, that's sad.

    When my husband's grandmother lost her marbles we held out as long as we could but eventually, without 24 hour supervision, it became too dangerous to have her stay at home. She felt like we were kicking her out. It was particularly horrible because despite reassuring her, calming her, getting her to pick out the clothes, making her a little excited about the move, she'd make tea, take a nap, have lunch or use the bathroom, come back completely upset, having forgotten the whole thing. It was a cruel Monty Python skit.

    It took her a couple of week to feel comfortable in her new environment but after that she thrived on the whole social aspect of living in a nursing home. Providing a safe living space aside, I really think having company is the best gift you can give an aging parent, family member. All anyone really wants is someone to talk to and to listen.

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  41. Wow Michael. I just read all your previous posts and ended up here with tears in my eyes. It's okay to cry. We only get one mother and even though you like the color yellow--it will never stand for cowardice where you are concerned. Doing all those things took great courage and I applaud you and your brother for showing so much love. Thank you for sharing it.

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