Twitterpation Nation--Twitter Part Two



Here you can see the two frontal lobes I'm
speaking of as they hypnotize America and
bolster her impressive thinking skills.
Don't you wish the hemispheres of your
brain were as tan and symmetrical?

I think I have frontal lobe envy.
Sn00ki is the kind of smart that America appreciates.

She knows nothing of Thoreau, organic chemistry, math, physics, or life as a pale person, but she has charisma.  And because of that, she's got money...lots of it. And in America's eye, money equals brains. She's a genius? Forget that Einstein person...what the hell did he know?  Oh and you won a frickin' Nobel prize...pfft...we want Sn00ki and will pay her more to speak to us (reference Rutgers University).

She didn't write her book. Who cares? It was a bestseller. Someone wrote it and slapped her poof on the cover. So I turned my nitwit mind that was given to me to understand such things as Lagrangian calculus to twitter to see if I could see how her large frontal lobes were somehow a force equal to the swarm of human locusts in colonizing America's "Shores" (C whut I did thar?)

Why did I pick Sn00ki? Because she's better than you...at twitter! That's right...she is.  And I'm saying knowing full well that no one with a substantial twitter following greater than Sn00ki shall ever read these words. 

Lesson One:

Snooki isn't just tweeting about shows she is going to be on. She also tweets about her everyday life, which is obviously more interesting than yours.

Lesson Two:

She tweets about her poof half the time. It's so firmly entrenched in her character that it has a frickin' life of its own. If Snooki's poof had written a book and it came down to you and the poof...believe me...the agent would take that poof and you'd get the rejection letter.

Lesson Three:

Do you note the carefully disguised transition used in this tweet from talking about Lady Gaga whom the whole world is interested in to nudging you to watch her on the red carpet?  It's so clever and funny, I'm beside myself that I could see through this.

Lesson Four:

She shows love to her Followers. "Tweedos"? Dr. Michio Kaku might ask.  I would have to stammer out an answer to the Carl Sagan of our generation.  It would go something like this, "No sir, it is not a quantum particle. It is an affectionate nickname and has more power than you babbling about math. No one cares about science sir." So come up with a nickname..."muffycakes" isn't taken. Neither is "tweekins".

Lesson Five:

She makes shout outs to her pals and compliments them. I've been on twitter for a few weeks now and have never gotten a shout out from my closest e-buddies on TWITTER, Steph Schmidt, Rogue Mutt, and Misha.  And not once has any of them complimented my firm, ample breasts! I'm so mortified.

So yeah...do I do any of these things? Nope. Hence my following of like...80. But I know the way, and I point it out for you so that you too can tweedazzle my foshizzle. Oh and in case you thought you were tweeting correctly, I offer up that the Bronx Zoo cobra got 75,000 followers in two days on its twitter and it doesn't even have arms, legs, or fingers to tweet with. My suggestion...set up twitter accounts for your make believe characters (the more outrageous...the better). Just look at the Dos Equis man.  His tweets include such wisdom as "He swam the Arctic Circle. He did the backstroke so he wouldn't get his cigar wet." Mutt, you seriously should tweet as the Scarlett Knight...I'm tellin' ya.