There's nothing better than pretentious writing, right? And it's surprisingly easy to do at home. To illustrate this, I'm going to use a poem. If you follow my example, before long, you'll be writing pretentiously for readers and writers alike!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
Step One: Add old time words nobody uses in real life
Roses doth be red,
Err violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
Thus so art thou.
Step Two: Add complex terms for simple words
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err viola are azurite,
Sugar is ambrosial,
Thus so.
Step Three: Add some foreign words and italicize them
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola are azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.
Step Four: Add something technological so people realize you’re living in a new age
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou art interfaced.
Step Five: Add some other modern stuff such as abbreviations and slang
OMG Grandifloras doth B damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou RT interfaced sandwich girl.
Step Six: Mix up the line endings
OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask, err
Viola ping
Azurite, tener azucar
Ambrosial,
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl.
Step Seven: Take out the punctuation
OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask err
Viola ping
Azurite tener azucar
Ambrosial
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl
There you go. One gloriously pretentious poem in seven easy steps.
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In different languages, too - Muy impressivo! :o)
ReplyDeleteOkay. That made me laugh up a riot! :)
ReplyDeleteI gave you a shout-out on my blog.
This was awesome!
ReplyDeleteThat's hilarious. I hate when you need a dictionary and thesaurus to read a book. Usually it's not worth it.
ReplyDeleteLOL I'm lovin' it. I think some people believe that the only good writing was 200 years ago, not realizing that anything written 200 years ago was written to the taste of THAT time period, not this one.
ReplyDeleteVery impressive and funny. Loved it.
ReplyDeleteOMG Grandifloras
ReplyDeleteDoth B
Damask err
Viola ping
Azurite tener azucar
Ambrosial
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl
Yeah. I liked this. especially:
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl
I think you're on to something.
I come across this kind of writing all the time on internet posts. For example, a well-known writer of internet fiction that I frequent (and who gets a lot of attention from devoted fans) started his most recent work with, "The blue flicker of lightning on the horizon lit the night, the air thick and humid, unrelieved by the offshore thunderstorm."
ReplyDeleteSupposedly, he has editors (and a whole team actually) that goes over his writing. And not one of them told him that this was just "It was a dark and stormy night" with different words? Like seriously? It's terrible writing and it's pretentious to think that we as readers won't notice.
Pretty funny. It's a bit sad though that so many people actually write like this. I picked up a best selling novel last year and half the dialogue was IM speak. It drove me crazy. I can only read OMG and LOL so many times before I put the thing down.
ReplyDeleteRT Interfaced Sandwich girl sounds like a pretty awesome name for something geeky. My meme senses are tingling.
ReplyDeleteThe poems were awesome, but I think the baby picture trumps them all!
ReplyDeleteIt is sad that people actually speak text/IM in books. AND it's definitely depressing that someone could think they'd get away with the "It was a dark and stormy night" just because it was twice as long and used different words. :/
I had to look up pretentious. XD My head is starting to hurt so I'm not thinking very straight.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend looks old timey language (though even she would beat her head against the wall if she had to read something like that poem). We were reading through my collection of Grimm fairy tales and she was like, "I wished people really talked like this." XD
I'm sure they did at one time. They just don't anymore lol.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, this was a great read. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteThis is hysterical! I was laughing so hard by "add something technical," I could barely make it through the rest. This reads like a primer in author intrusion.
ReplyDelete...that was fun:)
ReplyDeleteThe perfect to finish off a crummy Monday evening...with a smile.
Well done,
EL
Ha! That was awesome!
ReplyDeletestep eight: send to The New Yorker, where it'll have a better shot than most of getting published. funny--liked!
ReplyDeleteand hey thanks for kind words [posted on Munk's blog] my own blog and drawings. would love you togGimme a follow there at the Studio Nightshade--very open to advice and response to the pics. This whole self-portraiture work in cheap colored pens is all new to me. JF
Hi, Michael. There's a lovely blog award waitng for you.
ReplyDeleteI like the approach. I'll get some practise at this :-)
ReplyDeleteI admit I break into some pretentious writing now and again...though I have never thought of throwing in the word "ping". Now I really want to.
ReplyDelete"Supposedly, he has editors (and a whole team actually) that goes over his writing. And not one of them told him that this was just "It was a dark and stormy night" with different words?"
ReplyDeleteHa ha! Loved the entire post, but, this comment is a pretty darned good burn.
Love, love, love this!
ReplyDeleteOMG!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was laughing out so loud that ma sis came in to check on me!
It's really funnny! I'm gonna forward this to Shakespeare right now. That guy bugged me in high school with his stupid writing!!!