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Monday, February 28, 2011

My Ode to Valentine's Day.

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…
What the hell is that schtuff for
People get mushy and start acting queer
It’s definitely the most annoying day of the year.

Today marks two weeks since Valentine's Day...that loveliest of holidays where twidderpated hearts and much sex ensue.  My friend James recently told me about his gift to his sweetie.  He called it "Fourteen Days of Valentines" and it started on February 1st.  In mid-January, he bought fourteen gifts for his girlfriend and packaged them up with bright bows and coupled all of them with a calendar.  He then mailed these in a big box with the instructions that she was to open up each gift indicated by the day on the calendar.  I thought it was one of the most romantic things that I'd ever heard of anyone doing for anyone.  Since a well-known author used the word "perfect" a ton in describing her protagonist, I'm offering up these "sample" men for you ladies out there to see if they could distract you from your work-in-progress.


You can find this model at any Home Depot or Lowes, but, they're really expensivo.












Officially, an endangered species :/ Best of luck.







You have to cross the border into Mexico to find this one.













This is the guy you find at the bookstore. But with all the writers out there hanging out next to bookshelves, it's a real fight to find one that isn't spoken for.



This guy won't last because he doesn't know he's gay yet. However, that gives
you at least a few years of happiness before you have to trade him in.
Look for him amongst Republicans and Literary Agents.









This guy can only be found in big cities. The downside is that he may be a clean freak, insisting that all of your towels be at the same level on the rack.





This charmer generally haunts cooking venues like Sur Le Table. However, he really could be just about anyone. To find him, use the question, "What wine goes with a filet mignon?"  If he answers correctly, bam... you've got one on the line.
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15 comments:

  1. BrianeFebruary 28, 2011 at 11:12 AM

    If my wife sees any of those, I'm getting traded in.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MarjorieFebruary 28, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    I'll take all of them to go.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Devin BondFebruary 28, 2011 at 12:40 PM

    Haha, I'd take any of those over a certain "Mr. Perfect."

    (And, btw, table in French is feminine, so it'd be "sur la table")

    Awesome post!

    ReplyDelete
  4. J. SummersetFebruary 28, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    Will any of these guys keep me safe? Because if not I'll just keep fantasizing about the Rock...and Ryan Reynolds...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stephanie FarisFebruary 28, 2011 at 2:53 PM

    You made me snort lemonade, I laughed so hard! Sorry for the visual.

    I've dated one guy who brought flowers...and he turned out to be a weirdo pansy type. I don't think he's gay...just totally asexual.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Michael Offutt, Phantom ReaderFebruary 28, 2011 at 3:01 PM

    Gen Revelation...you must get to know my friend Tomeka. She has pictures of Dwayne Johnson all around her cubicle.

    Thanks for the French lesson Devin. I should have paid closer attention to the website for the famous cookware place.

    Briane...remember, I write fiction so the above unfortunately doesn't exist. Although, Charlie I think could probably pass for one of these guys. He writes, draws, refurbishes fine furniture, etc. Dunno if he cooks though or takes out the trash.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Brooke R. BusseFebruary 28, 2011 at 4:08 PM

    Hello! I've given you an award here: http://brookerbusse.blogspot.com/2011/02/two-birds-one-stone-or-post.html Hope you enjoy and have a most wondrous day!

    ReplyDelete
  8. KingdombytheSeaFebruary 28, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    And which one provides financial security? Because teaching jobs are not all that secure these days.

    So was this a little dig at authors who create "perfect" characters?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Michael Offutt, Phantom ReaderFebruary 28, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    Thanks Brooke!

    Sea, a subtle "dig" yes.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Steph SchmidtFebruary 28, 2011 at 6:23 PM

    But the towels always should be on the same level on the rack...wait I'm thinking shelf in laundry closet.

    If I had a guy say any of those things sadly I'd be wondering what he wants or what did he do...romanticism is dead.

    ReplyDelete
  11. CherylAnne HamFebruary 28, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    I'm not much of a romantic and I'm not big on gifts that are purchased out of obligation, either given or received. I don't need anything facy, just someone who lets me be who I am and who leaves me alone while I'm writing.

    I found that guy and married him right quick. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Elizabeth MuellerFebruary 28, 2011 at 7:58 PM

    Michael, you're so cute! thank you for the laugh. I really like it when my man does the things you've posted here in those pictures. It really brings a warm fuzzy to my heart. How do you feel about those pics you put here? If you truly believe in them, I have no doubt you make your woman happy! :)

    Thanks for visiting my blog and dropping a comment!

    ♥.•*¨ Elizabeth ¨*•.♥

    ReplyDelete
  13. Charlie PulsipherFebruary 28, 2011 at 9:46 PM

    I cook a lot, tomato basil soup from scratch or fajitas or kick butt beef and broccoli, but only take out the trash occasionally. I garden too...and am thinking about getting into canning. My wife is super lucky and I am lucky she puts up with the crazy that you do not see.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Alyson BurdetteFebruary 28, 2011 at 11:17 PM

    This is cute! Now if you could only combine all these guys into one super guy you could really be on to something.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Theresa MilsteinMarch 1, 2011 at 5:36 AM

    I'm either the weirdest or the coolest girl ever, because these don't do it for me. Maybe it's because my guy does stuff around the house, I'm not yearning for it.

    By the way, you have THE best profile blurb. Ever.

    ReplyDelete