An iPad Love Story

You saw the iPad for the first time. It was all the things you weren't. It was shiny and thin. You thought if only Apple had made you, you'd be thin too. It was a look you can never forget.

Then you weaseled one out of your boss, husband, wife, brother, sister, mother...or even God forbid...you won one from a radio station contest. It made you feel like this:

You downloaded apps. You downloaded Angry Birds and made excuses that you were going to the bathroom at work when in fact you just wanted to get to the next level. Then someone else got a non-Apple product and they tried to show it to you. You pitied them.

You found a mutual friend who was confused. They asked you if Apple was better than the other tablets like Samsung or Toshiba. How could they ask this?!? So you stared at them until they got it.

But your friend was still confused. They didn't get it...

Should I even look at the other tablets? Are those other brands better? You answered the best you could while being professional about it.

So they took your advice. They bought the iPad. You thought it was over. But then they walked in with the iPad 2. They showed you all the new features. It was even slimmer, had a camera, and had a new case. Jealousy set-in. You tried to dismiss it...you clapped for your friend.

You knew what needed to be done. You were ready. You were now a master at Angry Birds and boy were you pissed! How could they do this? How could they usurp you with better technology. You had led them to the promised land and now...this?! You planned the perfect murder.

When someone told you that your mutual friend had been found dead. You tried to look sad. "How terrible," you said. "How could this happen?"

You offered to take their brand new iPad 2 to remember them by. Everyone agreed. It should be yours. It was the...

The END

Have a Great Weekend, See you Monday <3

So You Want To Write A Fantasy For The Boys At GenCon?

DISCLAIMER: This post is full of sarcasm. Read at your own peril. I honestly don't mean anything that I've put down here.

Oh the boys of Gencon. I happen to be one of them. We are such nerds. That being said, I think I've isolated the formula for getting these girlfriend-less men to read your epic fantasy. And it goes something like this:

SIX STEPS TO WRITING FANTASY:

1) GET YOUR SETTING STRAIGHT: Write a historical account as accurate as possible to how life was really like in the middle ages in Europe. You want all the nitty-gritty details and armor as close to authentic as you can get. If possible, join some S.C.A. group and hang out with real medieval society nerds to get the authenticity down.  Then, once you've written that, add one fantastic element...a huge wall or a colossal tower (could be phallic) that scrapes the sky and have people wander around the base of it and wonder how it got there. People don't want to hear about your unicorns and other stuff. They want fantasy...and that means reality (but not really).  Like think reality but with a frickin' dragon in it. But don't go overboard with that dragon. It HAS TO BE REAL.

2) GET YOUR MYTHOLOGY RIGHT: People need to spout off about common things as if they're extraordinary. The sun isn't just a ball of fire...it's the God Apollo racing nude across the sky after the most beautiful Goddess (think Aphrodite). Then there's this story of how he caught her and ravished her but she got away right before his...moment... and when he squirted...and well...that stuff became the moon.  People will read that shit and think...wow...dat's amazin' mang.

3) DON'T BE ORIGINAL IN YOUR OPPRESSION: Think Braveheart here. Channel Mel Gibson and his hatred of minorites. People don't want to hear about how your homosexuals are suddenly empowered and have an intelligent society. They want the same as has been fed to them over and over. Make sure your homosexuals are nancy boys that get slapped around by real men. Make sure your women are all seamstresses and when they aren't doing that, they're in the kitchen cooking up what the men brought home for dinner. You think...hasn't this been done before?  IT doesn't matter...men will read this and then support it by saying, "But this is the world that the author created and as far as world-building goes...it's brilliant." Ayep.

4) WHITE-WASH YOUR FANTASY: No one wants Hispanic Kings unless they're meant to die. Negroes are good as servants or as barbarians but not as knights, lords, and ladies. Write about white men and women and their white kids. Give em blue eyes and washboard abs. That'll get a minority female audience to read your stuff too (ka-ching). This goes for everyone...check your manuscripts to make sure you have caucasians well-represented :) They are the Master Race. Hitler said it so it must be true.

5) WOMEN ARE VILLAINS: They don't have the strength to knock skulls in so make them clever and conniving bitches and you've got yourself a bestseller. Men will proclaim proudly, "Oh I love how the women are so empowered in these books." They will also proclaim it and recommend the book to all of their female friends perhaps buying them copies. "Is this book good?" a woman will ask. The guy will answer, "Definitely. It's all about women coming into their own power."

6) RATED-R: Describe big bewbs, throw in some gore when crushing monsters, and mention that big tower thing that I said you need to have in step 1 a lot. Maybe compare the tower to a guy's manhood or something. Have monsters that want the tower and men defend it from the monsters with much bashing and hewing of flesh and bone. Then more big bewbs that the men fight over.  It'll be brilliant, you'll be considered a creative genius, and they'll pay you $$$$$$.

Remember me when you're famous. Good luck.

If You're An Alpha Male, You Really Should Love George R.R. Martin

George R.R. Martin is the alpha male's version of Stephenie Meyer. For every sparkly vampire there's a woman on her knees getting it doggy style. For every sigh and stare, there's blood and monsters. There's enough conniving women to fill roles for a reboot of Dynasty.

I love the Game of Thrones on HBO. That being said, I was re-reading portions of it the other day that have been at the root of several discussions with my friend James on the phone (he worships at the pen of the mighty George). It went something along the lines of my usual take on Mr. Martin, which I think has merit, despite the fact that the overall consensus from most men is that George R.R. Martin is a genius (and therefore his work is irrefuteable).  So here I am...laying it out there for you to examine with a bit of his colorful prose:

"When she was clean, the slaves helped her from the water and toweled her dry. The girl brushed her hair until it shone like molten silver, while the old woman anointed her with the spiceflower perfume of the Dothraki plains, a dab on each wrist, behind her ears, on the tips of her breasts, and one last one, cool on her lips, down there between her legs."

                  -- page 32

I especially liked how he described it being cool on the lips...almost as if he'd experienced it himself. So imaginative.  You know...I'm gonna say it...there really is a huge double-standard here. If the storyline was the same and the characters essentially the same but instead of an underage girl, it was an underage boy, having his anus annointed for the Dothraki Chieftan Khal Drogo...this would be unpublishable. Not only that, but people would shout, "PERVERT!!!" No one would say, "Oh this is just sooo amazing and sure there's the part with the boy getting it up the ass but that's all explained in the world-building etc. I mean there's no author intent there at all...what a genius."

"Her loins still ached from the urgency of his lovemaking. It was a good ache. She could feel his seed within her. She prayed that it might quicken there."

                 -- page 59

Hmmm. I always wondered what you women were thinking about after a good roll in the hay? Oh boy...did George nail it or what?!? Let's be honest now, you ladies out there...when you were finished with your husbands and boyfriends or whomever, you too (like Catelyn) lay in your beds with your furs to your chins and prayed for a quickening, right?

This is George. He writes books for alpha males
and those that like alpha males.

Game of Thrones is an epic fantasy and I do like it. But you know, it does redefine the word fantasy as I came to know it. For example...there's the fantasy of Tolkien which we all know about...and then there's the fantasy of the sexually repressed man, right? But Game of Thrones manages to be both and I think therein lies its brilliance and appeal to men.

I love you George. Every alpha male guy in the world needs to read your books and maybe after that go hunting, fishing, and eat some red meat right off the bone while pounding his chest.

I salute you! hee hee

Kids And Their Answers

My friend J. William Berger sent me these. So funny, don't you think?

I Give You A Baby Penguin

This little guy is adorable. At about 1:05 one of the zookeepers tickles the baby penguin and you can hear it laughing. It's incredible...I've never heard a penguin laugh before.

Happy Monday!

A Jawa HQ, Star Trek: TNG Porn, & Vampire Dental Health

This is a picture of the new Lucasfilm building that's being erected in Singapore. To fans of the Star Wars franchise, ayep, it is intentionally designed to look like a Jawa Sandcrawler which is just plain awesome.

Since synopsis are on the mind of most of the writers out there that are in the query process, I thought you might like to see the synopsis of the new Star Trek: The Next Generation XXX porn parody that's being released.  Here it is:

While en route to Starbase 112, the Enterprise detects strange electromagnetic readings emanating from a barren M-Class planet. Upon further investigation, it is discovered that the source of energy is in fact a box containing Tasha Yar (India Summer), the long dead former Chief of Security of the ship, in cryosleep. Is she the real Tasha Yar? Is she a clone? Or is she something completely different?

The two highlights? It features famous Jean-Luc Picard impersonator Giles Aston in the role of  Enterprise captain Jean Luc Picard—and the return of Tasha Yar!

I guess that Giles Aston is not getting out of his Starfleet uniform for the film. The man's strictly playing Capt. Picard as straight as can be (which would actually be quite in character).

Second, adult film maker Revolution X has clearly put a lot of effort and money into its re-creation of the Next Gen ship, costumes and makeup.

With regard to the new Superman movie, Diane Lane (pictured at below left) was locked up by Zack Snyder for three hours while she read the script. Here's a quote:

"I read the script under lock and key. ... I was locked in a room with the script and was only allowed three hours with it. I nailed it into my memory. I'm really excited. I'm really not allowed to talk much about it, I think, but it does cover the entire range of years, from infancy on."

Diane Lane got locked up to read.

Can you imagine doing that with an agent? That'd be hilarious. *Pushes agent in room with latte and manuscript and locks door* Well hilarious for anyone that read about it...not so much for the poor agent.

And to show you just how far the Twilight saga reaches--if you've been living in a box this is a set of vampire books that gets made fun of in just about every way from digs on the show "Supernatural" to internet memes and .gifs to finally, the Jersey Shore crew. Well now the NHS  in the UK has stepped in on the bandwagon and produced a dental health commercial for...well...vampires. But the message is clear:

If a vampire has any hopes of getting it on, he'd better keep those fangs of his clean. Which is the National Health Service's way of letting guys  know that if they want to get it on, they'd better do the same.

Karmin Covers Chris Brown

This video went viral about two days ago. I like it better than the original. The female singer is absolutely amazing. Please watch this to the point where she does the lyrics that are done by Busta Rhymes (who sings so fast it is like an auctioneer rattling off lyrics). I was amazed when I saw it and thought, "Wow...what a difficult song to do."