For example, I ask myself if I would change as a person. Do I really need the validation that would come from a multiple book contract with a Big Five publisher? The answers are ambiguous at best. Yes, I might change because I've felt like a loser most of my life and the sudden success of "hey I'm actually good at something" might make me gloat when I don't mean to. A different part of me looks at all the perceived setbacks I've embraced in the seasons of my life. It's that section that's been beaten down by the reality of life and would just be thankful for a cold glass of water and a spot of shade when halfway across the Sahara desert.
Maybe the key here is to not get one's hopes too high, but it grows increasingly more difficult with each passing day and a shrinking number of those who remain in the pile. They are taking just 12 authors from that open call and making it as far as I have gives me roughly a 10% chance to get in the money. I would just welcome the opportunity to be published by HV as an interesting opportunity filled with all kinds of possibilities. And there's also another part that would be comfortable with yet another rejection. It's a part that says I'm pretty comfortable being where I am as a writer and "no thanks, I'll pass on the external validation. I already know I'm awesome."
So yeah. Insecurity at this point means that all the parts of me want different things from my writing. I guess I have stories to tell just like all of you, but I really don't have a concrete plan. I'm just trying things. It seemed like a good idea to sub to Harper Voyager 11 months ago, and it still feels like a good idea now. I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop.