Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Eleven Buck Rogers episodes that could also be porn titles

Even many decades later Buck Rogers in the 25th Century drips TOTALLY AWESOME GOO, and I'm about to splash your screen with copious amounts of it. Oh you probably have no idea of the NUMEROUS contributions to modern day science fiction that Buck Rogers has given us. For one, it pioneered big-haired women with huge boobs in fiction for a whole new generation of people. And it's still going on.

Have I gone insane you might ask? Pick up any young adult cover, and you'll see big hair all over the place. It's worse than hearing an Amish man say, "The Bible tells us that men should grow beards and women their hair long."

But if you don't believe me, check out the cover art on Brinda Berry's book The Waiting Booth, and you'll see where the "ahem" Buck Rogers influence comes into play front and center. And view any fantasy art (like seriously) from Dungeons and Dragons or any of its spin offs and you'll see the scantily clad vixens that grace such iconic Buck Rogers episodes as "Planet of the Slave Girls." Brinda for the record I LUV YOUR COVER ART!
Princess Ardala in one of the uniforms she wore on her spaceship full of men. IN the
future, women don't have to worry about sexual harassment. It's the men that have to worry.
She could be on a young adult cover from the neck down even today.
To be fair though, Buck Rogers did show women in a leadership err "position." Princess Ardala of the Draconian empire was well...a princess...and she had huge almost naked bodyguards like Tigerman and Pantherman. However, we didn't get to see Pantherman until the episode "Flight of the War Witch."
This is Pantherman, Princes Ardalla's uh...bodyguard. At one point
the ship starts shaking, and he has to stabilize poor Ardala in her nightgown
(because nightgowns are what Princesses wear on the bridge of a starship)
by gripping her in his strong arms. It's the most ludicrous thing I've seen,
but is highly entertaining to see her in turbulence and high heels.
Here's the plot synopsis (it's my favorite episode in the series): In "Flight of the War Witch" a UFO lands outside New Chicago and presents a device for navigating an interdimensional vortex. Learning of the device, Princess Ardala steals it and forces Buck to hurry and enter the wormhole before she can. (Yes, Ardala really does want Buck to enter that wormhole).

Once through, Buck finds the planet Pendar, whose people tell of their conflict with the Zaads, an enemy race ruled by the War Witch Zarina. Lacking the means to wage war, the Pendarans ask Buck to fight their enemy for them. Meanwhile, the Draconians have arrived but Ardala refuses to help the Pendarans. Buck also declines and the aliens withhold the means for returning to their universe leaving Buck and Ardala trapped with no other choice but to comply. Buck asks Ardala to join forces, but Ardala instead tries to befriend the wicked queen. However, Ardala's plan backfires when Zarina thinks her a spoiled child, and Ardala is forced to work with Buck in combating the Zaad forces after all.
Random sampling of hot space babes from a Buck Rogers episode. This is what five centuries
of botox, and implants give us. Does anyone want to sing "America the beautiful?" It takes
a whole other meaning in the 25th century.
If I remember correctly, Buck even gives Ardala a spanking. But don't quote me on that...I think my memory may be playing tricks on me as it's been years...

And before you laugh...remember that this show got greenlit and had pretty good special effects for its day. Has your story ever been greenlit for a television makeover? Nodding "no." Okay then, people that live in glass houses should not throw stones (I read that somewhere). But have hope! Maybe what you really need is a Buck Rogers-type makeover. I kid, I kid (SEE IMAGE BELOW)
Don't hate on me :'( I only suggested it for the lulz...
Dear Buck Rogers, oh you seventies vixen of a t.v. show, how I long for the return of your roller skates, big hair, and TERRIBLE EPISODE TITLES. I proudly present to ALL OF YOU my eleven picks of Buck Rogers episodes that could also be porn titles (proving that it's contributions to society are many if not overlooked):

1) The Dorian Secret
2) Ardala Returns
3) A Dream of Jennifer
4) Planet of the Amazon Women
5) Planet of the Slave Girls
6) Return of the Fighting 69th
7) Escape from Wedded Bliss
8) Unchained Woman
9) A Blast for Buck
10) The Hand of Goral
11) The Satyr

The lesson here, writers, is that if you want to make sure your work is enduring, don't put "69" in your title.
 Just. Don't.

*Giggle

In the comments, tell me the names of some science fiction episodes that you think might be great porn titles. Or, if you can't think of any, name some that are rips of well-known movies like "Saving Ryan's Privates" for "Saving Private Ryan." I love reading them ZOMGAH YESSS! YESSS! :P
***

My author friend, P.T. Dilloway has a new book out. It's called Time Enough to Say Goodbye and is available for purchase for only $2.99 on Smashwords. Click HERE to download now.

I reviewed this book on Goodreads, and you can read that HERE.

Some highlights from my review:

"It's a cross between the serious brooding Dark Knight reinvented by Christopher Nolan and the occult-noir DC/Vertigo big screen adaptation of “Constantine.”

"As usual, Patrick’s plotting is superb. I think the climax is action-packed, fantastic, and something you can’t put down. The temporal mechanics of time travel are original and well-done; I’ve never seen any superpower quite like the one Marie wields in any story. Marie Marsh is incredibly powerful, and I wonder if we'll see her again at some point. It almost seems inevitable, and I think of her as a "Dr. Who" of this series at this point. Fans of the Time Lords should rejoice!"

Have a positively fabulous Wednesday!

28 comments:

  1. I don't believe I've ever seen any of Buck Rogers. Now I really want to :)

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  2. Dude,

    I love how your mind works! I don't understand it, but you always crack me up - in a positive way :)

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  3. No mention for Twiki the penis-headed robot? Bidip-bidip.

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  4. Ah, but back in the day, those titles didn't ooze so much sex. Such a simpler time...
    Another show I'll probably never watch again, as it would ruin my teen memories. Had such a crush on Erin Gray.

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  5. You really made me laugh this morning. Can't share with my students though.

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  6. OMG...I did a search of old Star Trek Episodes..

    "The Naked Time"
    "Mudd's Women"
    "Where no Man has Gone Before."
    "What are Little Girls made of.."

    And that's jut the beginning. O.O

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  7. I couldn't even mention Buck Rogers without Erin Gray, I swear I loved her as a child as much as a person could ever love a person that they only knew through TV. I think I watched Silver Spoons years later just to see her.

    And I think anything can be a porn title if you just say it in the proper tone of voice.

    Hell, if you say 'Slipstream' the right way it starts getting pretty naughty.

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  8. Thanks for the shoutout. I don't know how you like this stuff and then mock me for watching Star Trek the Animated Series or reading TekWar.

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  9. Mork and Mindy . . .

    "Mork's night out"
    "I Heard it Through the Morkvine"
    "Mork's Seduction"
    "Hold that Mork"
    "Pajama Game II"
    "Puting the Ork Back in Mork"
    "Mindy gets a Job"
    "Three the Hard Way"
    "Cheerleader in Chains"

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  10. I remember an episode where Twiki (the robot) gets the hots for another robot. Could have gotten much more graphic for sure!

    Congrats PT!

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  11. I don't know of any episode names right off hand, but there are a lot of lines from Star Wars:
    "You came in that thing..."
    "What a wonderful smell you've discovered..."

    Tons more. Well, maybe not tons...

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  12. I never read Buck Rogers. Sounds cool, though.

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  13. @Trisha: That's how the porn addiction begins... I kid.

    @Mark: I live in Utah, and my co-workers have said they think I'm funny. Maybe it's cause I have a gift for pointing out the obvious.

    @Moody: Oh my. You are so right.

    @Alex: I don't understand what people mean by "simpler time." Is that like a euphemism for "before internet" or "before ppl could get sued for sexual harassment?"

    @Susan: LOL

    @Cindy: You go girl. Seventies and sixties sci-fi is a goldmine for porn titles.

    @Rusty: "Slipstream" is the name of a very popular lube used in intercourse. Just sayin'...

    @P.T.: You're welcome. I'm not so much mocking you (because I secretly have watched the shows that you watch). However, what I'm making fun of is the fact that you are not embracing new things. It's all right to appreciate nostalgia (as I've been doing this week), but P.T. EXPAND your horizons! And it has seemed kind of odd to me that you've never seen that stuff. I watched all that superfriends, star trek, and this buck rogers stuff like thirty years ago. Tek War...same thing...twenty years ago. It just seems odd that you are now discovering it.

    @Elise: LOLOLOL

    @Jay: Oh that would have been like watching toasters have sex. Boo!

    @Andrew: LOL

    @Richard: I'm glad I've got you intrigued.

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  14. Michael, every time I visit your blog I come away with something. Clearly your mind takes a path that most of us don't see and wish we did.

    *so bad, so bad. And funny as hell*

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  15. Just because there's girls on the cover of most YA books doesn't mean they look like they're straight out of Buck Rogers, a show I used to love watching as a child, by the way. The Buck Rogers women are way too out of fashion for today's YA covers, but I'm going to change that because you've totally inspired me to write a "Rogers-eque" series of teen sci-fi rom com books complete with retro seventies covers. Yippy!

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  16. I haven't seen Buck Rogers either but now like Trisha I really want to LOL. I love that there were planets of both Amazon women and slave girls.

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  17. I have nothing intelligent to say other than to ditto Huntress and laugh at Rusty. Wowza!

    :)

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  18. Buck Rogers gives spankings. Had no idea he was so kinky!

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  19. Everything old becomes new again; I imagine there are plans for remaking Buck Rogers.

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  20. I'm with Alex. I'm just old enough to remember Erin Gray.

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  21. Where can I rent all these porn movies? :pppp
    On a side note I've never heard of BUCK ROGERS, but he sounds like a delightful chap....

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  22. Even his name sounds a little pornish...Buck?

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  23. I couldn't stay away. The comments alone are worth the time.
    *Still laughing MAO*

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  24. When I was a kid, I so wanted to be Princess Ardala. Yep, I was a troubled child.

    I'm too tired to search out porn titles. It would be way easy, but I'm way lazy tonight.

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  25. OMG, everything is a porn title, in some fashion or another. We're all bad! :)

    And I agree, your mind, your blogs, AWESOME!

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  26. I've never seen any Buck Rogers episodes but I might have to check them out.

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  27. I loved Buck Rogers! (The first season. They trashed the second)
    Princess Ardala's outfits are gorgeous. I'd love to wear stuff like that - and go back to big hair.

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  28. I loved Buck Rogers when I was younger. I've always been a sci-fi addict. :)

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