Monday, December 3, 2012

What kink will the Hivemind accept or ridicule?

CLICK TO EMBIGGEN!
Dear reader,

I know you (like me) MUST be confused at what is proper to mock with abandon when it comes to kinks, fetishes, and sex. So I propose we develop a chart or list together that tells us what "The Hivemind" will accept.  That way we are on the right side of the line.  No one wants to be outside "The Hivemind", especially myself.

Imagine the embarrassment of making fun of light bondage when Fifty Shades of Grey is selling so well.  Who wants to be that person? You know...the only one to laugh at a joke while everyone else thinks you're an idiot.

I suggest we begin with the chart above. In the comments, please let us know which of these we can mock openly, ridicule, and say awful things about AND which ones are definitely reserved for respectful treatment.  

Have a great Monday.

P.S. I intend to submit our research to the Harry Potter fan fiction sites of the world. If you read Harry Potter fan fiction YOU KNOW EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

35 comments:

Charlie Rice said...

Nice try Michael! My alleged perversions will remain a mystery.

I would like to add that anything between consenting adults is, in my humble opinion, fine by me. I wouldn't ridicule anyone.

mooderino said...

We all have parents and they've all had sex, and there's nothing more perverse. That's enough to put us all in the same boat of cringe.

mood
Moody Writing

Valentina Hepburn said...

I tend to think that anything goes as long as it's between consenting adults and it's not hurting anyone. One man's meat is another man's poison, as they say. As for Fifty Shades of Grey, I haven't read it, and in all honesty I'm not in a hurry to. I find reading about sex, or watching it badly handled in a movie, toe curling - like they're trying to teach us something we already know. Let's face it - we can all do it - one way or another!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Not following Potter fan fiction. (Haven't even read the real books.)
Rather not discuss sex stuff. More fun to just do it.

PT Dilloway, Superhero Author said...

To be on the safe side let's just make fun of everything.

Sarah Ahiers said...

HAH! This post just made my monday morning!
And really, it's not just harry potter fan fiction. It's pretty much pockets of ALL fanfiction verses everywhere

Andrew Leon said...

um...

Adam said...

the guy who made that had a lot of time

Susan Fields said...

I agree with the earlier comment - let's just make fun of everything. Sounds like a good plan to me!

Michael Offutt, Speculative Fiction Author said...

You guys DO realize that this is a "Tongue in cheek" post, right? Some of you are so serious.

@Falen: You are the only one that gets my humor!

Brinda said...

I expect only the best research methods from you. This qualifies. Have a GREAT week.

Stephen Tremp said...

Yep. making fun of the whole sex thing is the best way to go.

And Michael, I have you as my Author of the Week that began last Wednesday and will run for another day or two. Good luck with Oculus!

Clarissa Draper said...

I'm for making fun of it all! Why not...

Emily R. King said...

Balloons must be done, just for the visual effect (ha!) but no pedophiles. I believe in capitol punishment because I'm hoping they will qualify some day. Bastards.

Michael Offutt, Speculative Fiction Author said...

@Emily: Great point. I also believe in capital punishment despite being a democrat. That comes from my atheism. If people aren't punished in this life then in my opinion, they get away with it. So it's very important to punish people in this life.

@Clarissa: That's such a great idea. I recently read a very short snippet from author Elise Fallson that kind of does that. In other words, it's two bugs making fun of all human sexuality. I really enjoyed it.

Morgan said...

*shakes head* You are SO FUNNY, Michael... I'll let you just make fun of everything for me!

Michael Offutt, Speculative Fiction Author said...

Just so you all know where this comes from...I was on a website where someone was blatantly making fun of some Harry Potter fan fiction because it had some awkward semi-sexual scene between Draco and Harry and I thought, "Why are we making fun of this?" If you don't like it, don't read it. So I was just rolling my eyes and wondering why some "kinks" seem to be okay and others aren't. Which led me to write my Monday post about the "hivemind."

Matthew MacNish said...

I'm pretty sure we can safely continue making fun of sneeze fetishists.

lbdiamond said...

wow.

Liz said...

I find it works better for me if I put my fingers in my ears and sing at the top of my lungs. In other words, I'm staying out of this.

Elise Fallson said...

Where would the "Big Word" fetish fall under? Because nothing turns me on like big, long, hard to pronounce words. The longest word in the world is a chemical protein and I orgasmed for the four hours it took to pronounce it.

Stephen Hayes said...

I think I'll keep my perversions hidden...for now.

Michael Offutt, Speculative Fiction Author said...

LULZ @ Elise. You get my sense of humor.

Dalya Moon said...

I'll go with Fuzzy Slippers + Angora Sweater!

But seriously, when I see a cute guy in a cable-knit sweater, it does give me feeeeeeeeelings. Oh, Michael, am I pervy? I am! I just know it!

M Pax said...

Does that mean Potter fanfic is really kinky? Why can't we make fun of that?

I'm still surprised 50 Shades is so popular. My husband said some lady shoved him out of the way at Target to grab her copy. I teased him that it was foreplay in that book.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

I think a politician must have designed that chart. It's about as easy to follow as the tax laws.
Am I the only one who hasn't read 50 shades?

Jeff Hargett said...

All is fair in love and literature. :)

Brooke R. Busse said...

You did all those fetish posts in October and got so many views, you're writing related posts to keep it going. Your attempt at covering it up by indiscreetly making fun of the hivemind doesn't fool me. ;)

Helena said...

I'm at work, which means that on this topic I have to look up the Embiggen chart at home and get back to you.

Ciara said...

I've seen spoofs on 50 shades. Funny Stuff.
I saw your comment on my blog about newsletters. I do think newsletters are important to connect with readers. I recently attended a readers conference and the group was asked to raise their hands if they read or visit blogs, not one rose their hand. Something else to consider, you can get email addresses at books signings or other events. This is a great chance to send out release notices and such. I actually don't have a newsletter sign up on my blog, but I have a newsletter I send out quarterly. Does that make sense?

Shay Lacy said...

OMG, Michael! Funny. I feel really old. I couldn't make that chart big enough to read.

Donna Hole said...

Just put it out there; someone will like it, someone will make fun of it. Which I do depends on my mood at the time. Nothing wrong with being crass here and there.

Very funny Michael, put I think you got it just right.

.......dhole

Trisha said...

Make fun of it all, I say!!! 50 Shades of Mockery!!

Danette said...

yup, definitely don't want to be outside the hive. There be dragons!

Callie Leuck said...

Oh lordy lou.

And yes, yes I do know what you're talking about re: Harry Potter fanfiction. At some point I made the shift from LOTR fanfiction to HP fanfiction, and it's a brave new world out there, lemme tell ya, Mike.

But I guess you know THAT.