Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I vote for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt

Sunday night's True Blood episode was the second to the last in the season, and it sucked balls (no pun intended). Why would I say that? Because of this fairy pictured below among other things too numerous to list. Like seriously, what the f*ck is this?
You are looking at a picture of the oldest and wisest fairy in the world of True Blood. She's thousands of years old, has untold powers, has experienced life as many beings and traveled to many realms of existence. Sookie has sought her out to get answers about a mysterious contract involving vampires and her father. In case you aren't taking this fairy seriously, here's another shot of her, looking very powerful and very serious.
Okay, maybe not powerful. But she's serious.  Serious about what people think of Boys2Men and John Cougar Mellencamp. I'm not kidding.

So what does this fairy do? She does this crazy dance on a stage and asks Sookie about KE$HA. Like seriously? I thought maybe this character could have been somewhat interesting when she shuddered at hearing that the oldest vampire in the world, Russell Edgington, was alive. For the record, Sookie didn't know who Ke$ha was.
"Ke$ha, for or against?" She asks the
important questions.
So the fairies come up with a plan to trap Russell and gang bang him with all their powers. But the elder fairy steps up and says, "I got this!" with confidence. "You all just stay back here and watch." So all the fairies do just that, and the most powerful fairy struts out there, blows away Steve Newlin and then...misses Russell.

Then Russell sucks her until her face caves in. The only thing good about Russell is his overacting. It's as good as Mama Firefly in "The Devil's Rejects." In case you haven't watched, "The Devil's Rejects" it's a slasher film that manages to be hilariously funny. Mama Firefly all tied in a chair laughs hysterically "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA," and it's just craaaazy cause it goes on way too long. Russell's the same way.  "I'M SUCKIN' ON HEAVEEENNNN!!"
Mother Firefly. Don't feel sorry for her. She's a psychopathic murdering
serial killer that has a serious case of overacting-itis. That's the inflammation
of the overacting gland that afflicts actors who star in bad movies.
It's the stupidest thing I have seen since the movie Dragonslayer.  For those of you who don't know, Dragonslayer is one of the worst, one of the stupidest, one of the most horrible fantasy films ever made (some thirty years ago). In the first five minutes, we get introduced to a wizard of great power. He lights some fires, has a formidable appearance, is being followed by a kid who wants to learn to be a wizard too. It's a great setup.

Then some men show up on horseback. The wizard goes out to greet them, and they want him to kill a dragon. Okay...so this might get good. Then the wizard and the warrior don't see exactly eye-to-eye. The warrior pulls a knife on the wizard and the wizard says (just like the eldest fairy in True Blood) "Your weapons can't hurt me!" So we're expecting some magic, right? We're expecting this wizard to show up the warrior.
The wizard looks cool, right? He dies in the first five minutes after
uttering the famous words, "Your weapons can't hurt me." Yeah right. Loser.
Well the warrior stabs the wizard and...the wizard dies.

Let me phrase this another way. This would be just like Gandalf saying to the Balrog, "YOU CANNOT PASS!" and then having the Balrog kick him off the bridge and everyone standing around saying, "uhhh...did that demon just kick that senior citizen off the bridge? We all need to run, yo!" And then have Legolas all snap  his fingers Lafayette style.

WHAT THE HELL? I gaze at my watch? Ten minutes into the movie and the wizard is f'ing dead. Then the rest of the movie just drags ass to a stupid ending with a dragon that doesn't even look like a dragon anyway.

So yeah...oldest fairy in the world walks out to Russell Edgington and...is dead.

Please HBO, redeem yourself by giving us a season finale that has a final shot of a blood soaked Russell sitting atop a mountain of faeries, werewolves, shapeshifters, and the entire population of Bon Temps. He'd laugh like Jabba the Hutt and have Steve Newlin as his Salacious Crumb and Eric as his Dancing Leia Slave.
Okay replace the image of Jabba with that of Russell Edgington all gorged in blood.
Leia needs to be Eric Northman, shirtless, and Salacious Crumb should be Steve Newlin.
Minus Lafayette for lines like this (don't kill my Lafayette):
I think I could be on board with that. So raise your hand if you too are voting for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt. A little Star Wars could only improve the writing in this show. Hell bring on Jar-Jar Binks. I could be entertained as he says, "Meesa wanna have a slumber party with young naked vamps."

Oh and HBO, could we have one episode where Sam and Luna are not naked? They have been naked this ENTIRE SEASON. They were even naked when they went to get their daughter. Guys who don't watch this show, I'm not exaggerating. Sam and Luna really have been naked all season.

At least they knew to show Alcide shirtless whenever a scene cropped up with him in it. Altogether, I think he may have gotten at least five minutes of time this season.

Why oh why do I watch this sh*t? I'm gonna go facepalm now as I am truly disgusted with myself.

20 comments:

  1. I miss True Blood. I think. But after reading this, I miss it less.

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  2. Yeah. I was telling my husband that I bet Sam and Luna wished for a scene with clothes. Also, I've missed some shows this season and that's okay. As much as I loved this series in the beginning, I am disappointed this season (and for a few seasons). I think I may have to give it up. I'll miss Eric and Lafayette.

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  3. Guess I'm glad I don't have HBO and missed that.
    And Dragonslayer wasn't the worst. Ator the Fighting Eagle wins that title for worst fantasy. Or the sequel, Ator the Blade Master. (Made for a really good episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 though.)

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  4. This is so funny. I guess I'm just not into this season. I hadn't realized I missed this weeks episode until I say your post. Lol

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  5. That reminds me of when my brother and I were playing with our Star Wars toys a long time ago and I had my Ackbar figure dare someone to kick him between the legs because "I'm an alien and you can't hurt me there!" So someone did and then I had Ackbar double over in pain. So anyway, I guess the writers of True Blood and Dragonslayer are 8 year old boys.

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  6. I'm pretty sure it's always been a crappy show. "Bill the vampire" sums up what to expect quite well.

    I liked Dragonslayer. Now, Beastmaster was a bad movie.

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  7. I think I watched Dragonslayer two or three times as a kid. I was always intrigued by the idea of these virgins walking voluntarily into a cave to appease a fire breathing dragon, even though there were human bones scattered all along the cave floor. Yeah.

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  8. I've never seen True Blood and after reading this, I'm glad I haven't! :)

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  9. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Man I love your posts. They're better than the show. And seriously? All that fairy bullshit is exactly why I stopped watching.

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  10. I really hate it when a character is set up to be all powerful and then they fall flat on their face with barely a fight. Lame. And inconsistent. And disappointing. ...

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  11. See, you just made me want to watch Blade again just to get all of that stuff you were talking about out of my head. I think this is why I don't watch this show. It really sounds like an addiction. You can't stop yourself and you just feel really bad about yourself afterwards.

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  12. That's too bad about True Blood! :/ I haven't seen it, but I've read all the books of course!

    And get this: I was chatting with my uncle this week and he was RAVING about the Jazz band at sugarhouse! And talking about the girl who sings Over the Rainbow... gah! I need to make it out there one of these times! Sounds amazing!

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  13. I guess it's good that I don't have HBO so I don't have to be dissapointed when they pull this kind of stuff.

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  14. I'd rather watch Hardcore Pawn and Storage Wars any day! LOL

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  15. Michael, you poor thing, stop watching it. It's eye pain and mind pain to you. Give it up.

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  16. The new season of True Blood just started in Australia... geez we are behind sometimes on shows... so wish we had access to everything you guys watched.

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  17. About the old fairy, specifically: this is a trope in fantasy/sci-fi. It's a writing trick to drag out a plot line. You have the "wise" person you're consulting be really vague. Maybe they speak in riddles. Maybe they're cantankerous. The point is, they can't give you a straight answer that would wrap up the quest immediately. It's horrible. Also, you'll note that when Lafayette talked to dead Gran's ghost, she was all VAGUE and STUFF! He hung a hat on it, by saying such, but that didn't make it any better. Gran could have just said "Oh you were promised to xyz, so you should immediately do something to protect yourself and kill him before he kills you." But no, Gran's ghost said something obscure, off-camera, and we endured Sookie chasing down a red herring clue from photos in a shoe box.

    I think the big problem with True Blood is there's nothing to care about in the plot lines.

    For example: Alcide being the pack master or not being the pack master. OMG that wolf pack seems like a big pile of suck! Those people are jerky and they hang out in a barn and drink V and act all rednecky. Why do we, the audience, want Alcide to "succeed" at becoming their pack master? So we can have barn dances? So he can get back together with that hot wolf chick he did it with that one time? Who cares!!!

    They get an interesting character and kill them. The nerd/tech girl at the Vampire Board Room Meetings? She's awesome! I love that actress and it was a cool character: a tech geek vampire. Then, staked. COME ON, PEOPLE! And the two vampire chicks they have now? They're basically the same boring character. "Oh I'm an old vampire and my makeup is perfect and I'm gonna act all weird and have intercourses with everyone." Who cares.

    And that General guy was The S**t!!! And then they killed him. At this point, I actually want all the vampires to be exterminated, except for maybe a few nerdy vamps and baby vamps.

    This season makes me crave the good ol' days of Maryanne and the constant black-eyed partying.

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  18. I'm not a watcher of True Blood, but I liked your analogy to Gandolf. Very much.

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  19. I second! That show has gone so far down I don't know why it is still on our Direct TV. I think my husband and I just like to watch and make fun of all the bad acting, ridiculously flawed plot, and well it just all sucks.

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